Happy Claptrap

Cameron “locked in secret talks with Liverpool”

2010-05-11T11:14:00.001+01:00

Liverpool are set to make a SENSATIONAL SWOOP for Tory boss David Cameron, Happy Claptrap can reveal in a world exclusive. And should the Lib-Lab “Coalition of the Losers” go ahead, it is understood a disillusioned Dave would accept the offer, said to be in the region of £5 million a season.

"If true, this is a role that could potentially reinvigorate Mr. Cameron,” one unnamed source disclosed.

“The challenge of leading Liverpool FC would in fact have much in common with the challenge of leading Britain as a whole. Mountainous debt, an immigration policy in tatters and a club on the edge, but not in the heart, of Europe – this would tick all the right boxes.”

And the reaction of supporters in a staunch Labour stronghold is unlikely to prove a stumbling block to any deal.

“Just because the majority of an electorate votes in a certain way doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the party they are going to get. Yes, Liverpool is a safe Labour seat. But if a Tory were to take his place of the front bench at Anfield, it would only reflect the undercurrent of change currently transforming British politics.”

If appointed it is believed he will bring his own backroom staff, with William Hague as his number two.

Happy Claptrap was the first to ask this morning if Mr. Cameron is using ongoing talks with Liberal leader Nick Clegg as a smokescreen for secret discussions about his future in football, but he refused to comment.

Brown ‘erupts’ as Icelanders threaten economy once more

2010-04-19T19:42:00.000+01:00

Gordon Brown has FURIOUSLY LASHED OUT at hapless Iceland this evening after volcanic ash ground UK air traffic to a halt for yet another day, threatening Britain’s fragile economy for the second time in as many years.

And as the prime minister attempts to position himself as an experienced leader ahead of the next election debate, he is widely expected to demand billions of pounds in compensation from the exploding outcrop he branded a terrorist state just 18 months ago, Happy Claptrap can disclose.

“First their banks brought our economy crashing down to earth and now it seems they want to bury us into the bargain,” thundered Brown as thousands of stranded UK travellers face at least one more day of misery. “Well, I give you a personal guarantee this will not be allowed to happen under a Labour government.”

“Reykjavik has refused to pay back the huge sums defrauded from the British taxpayer,” explained an unnamed source close to number 10. “Now, to add insult to injury, it does rather seem as if they have farted into our collective face.”

But Icelandic President Olaf Ragnar Grimsson hit back at the claims, declaring it “ludicrous to suggest the volcano was a terrorist act committed against the British people.”

Have-a-go hero "bottles it"

2009-12-23T14:48:00.007Z

As the Conservative Party demands new plans to protect people who tackle burglars, another intruder has been VICIOUSLY ATTACKED as he attempted to break into a family home on Christmas Eve. But this time, the 'have-a-go hero' didn't have things all his own way.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Happy Claptrap, the shaken householder explained how he was woken up by suspicious noises on the roof.

“It sounded like someone laughing quite loudly, so I assumed they’d just had one Christmas spirit too many. But when I heard a commotion in the lounge downstairs I immediately feared for the safety of my kids - and that was when I lost control.”

The man, who asked not be named, crept downstairs to discover the intruder JAMMED IN THE CHIMNEY trying FRANTICALLY to free himself.

“That was when I just flipped,” the man told. “I saw this pair of boots kicking in the air, grabbed the first thing that came to hand and started to bash his legs with an empty bottle of brandy that was lying there.”

He then pulled the intruder down and “went bloody berserk.”

The burglar, who was clutching a big bag of booty presumably from A SERIES OF RAIDS IN THE AREA, managed to crawl out of the house before being rescued by an accomplice and making his escape – apparently into thin air.

“He kept shouting ‘Rudy, Rudy, what the hell are you doing you useless sod!’ Then I heard someone rush up behind me, but before I could turn around they bashed me over the head and that was all I remember until my wife found me outside this morning, still clutching the empty bottle. They even took all the presents I’d been out to buy earlier on, so the kids have got nowt to open again. I feel terrible and my head’s killing.”

But rather than praising the bravery of her husband, the man's wife branded him “a drunken loser and I've just about bloody had enough.”

bin Laden “could go to City”

2009-07-17T18:59:00.002+01:00

Osama bin Laden has been SENSATIONALLY sacked as boss of global terror outfit al-Quaeda, Happy Claptrap can reveal today.

And the move comes amid CRISIS TALKS at Manchester City, sparking rumours that the Saudi hit man is being lined up to replace EXPLOSIVE, ex-Manchester United striker Mark Hughes. City have yet to fire on all cylinders despite being the richest club in the world, and Hughes is COMING UNDER FIRE FROM FANS to produce the goods.

"This could be a good move for City," one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. "Bin Laden has proven experience in working with mixed nationalities, as well as handling big budgets. On top of that, his motivational skills are second to none: under him, the players would die for the shirt.

"Doubters point out that bin Laden has been out of the spotlight for too long, but Joe Kinnear's re-emergence at Newcastle last season appears to have BLOWN THE ARGUMENT APART.

According to the club, wage demands are yet to be discussed, although the City board has expressed a willingness to rename the stadium 'Middle Eastlands' to sweeten the deal. They are also investigating the possibility of holding pre-season training camps in southern Pakistan.

"City supporters are known for their fanaticism," said one excited season ticket holder. "So in that respect, bin Laden would fit in very well."

Bin Laden, who currently lives in a secret cave in Pakistan, is thought to be a keen admirer of ex-City bad boy Joey Barton and would try and make him his first signing.

Blair ‘to bail-out UK’

2009-07-17T18:57:00.001+01:00

Tony Blair COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF BUYING BRITAIN, Happy Claptrap can reveal this very instant.The silver-tongued ex-socialist supremo, who has earned millions since leaving No 10, recently announced he had donated a significant sum to the Labour Party. And experts believe it could be the first step of a banking-style bailout as he plots to privatise the party – AND TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY.

The final months of Tony Blair's premiership saw a police investigation into allegations Labour donors had been offered honours in return for cash. But in a spectacular turnaround, it’s believed they may now BE OFFERED THE COUNTRY as Britain teeters on the borders of bankruptcy.

“Things have deteriorated rapidly since Tony left office,’ one unnamed source close to the cabinet told Happy Claptrap. “Britain is broke, Brown is gambling away our financial futures, and we don’t even get biscuits with our tea in cabinet meetings like we used to,” he complained. “Tony feels only one man can rescue the situation.”

Mr Blair's closest political allies from his time at Number 10, including ex-minister David Blunkett, former Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson, and demented spin doctor Alistair Cambell, have all donated cash in the same period, FUELLING RUMOURS that Blair is putting together a dream team to take over the country. And if the move goes ahead, it is thought the electorate may lose the right to vote until the donors receive their investment back.

Mr Blair refused to comment on the matter, but did suggest that Alan Shearer could challenge Jackie Milburn as Newcastle United’s greatest-ever player.

Brown 'claims to be the Messiah’

2008-12-10T16:34:00.004Z

Gordon Brown had his own Christmas message for the country today as he SENSATIONALLY claimed to have ‘SAVED THE WORLD’ to a disbelieving House of Commons.

But church leaders and the Tory party rejected his boast, accusing the under-fire PM of PLAYING POLITICS with the true meaning of Christmas.

'Brown has gone too far this time,” said one incensed vicar. “Far from taking away sin from the world, he has introduced record amounts of government borrowing. His yoke is set to be extremely heavy for future generations and will keep the tax collector busier than ever. And what’s more, he’s a Presbyterian.'

David Cameron had earlier joined the chorus of disapproval, bellowing that Mr. Brown ‘has sold the nation’s possessions to give to the mega-rich. Far from being a good shepherd, the Prime Minister has proved time after time that he is nothing but a big turkey. What this great nation of ours really wants for Christmas is a change.'

But as the taunts flew thick and fast, the first signs of support began to emerge from banking bigwigs in the City of London.

“As the recession starts to take its toll and the pound hits a new low against the Euro, many feel that Britain needs a miracle,' one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. 'If we can believe what Brown says, he could be just the man to provide it.”

Recession ‘not such a bad thing’

2008-12-04T13:45:00.003Z

A top government think tank today branded the recession ‘boring, blown out of proportion and in bad taste,’ Happy Claptrap has been told.

And as the so-called Credit Crisis continues to dominate the headlines, cries to end continual talk of financial woes and ‘focus on the positives’ in the run-up to Christmas are expected.

‘All we seem to hear about these days is collapsing bank this, job cutbacks that, and Joey Barton the other,’ said one expert. ‘No wonder interest rates are at an all time low.’

But with the high street sales in full swing, house prices falling dramatically, and a new lower rate of VAT, there are plenty of great deals to be had in the run up to the holidays.

‘This is a traditional time of good cheer and consumers have never had it so good as far as bargains are concerned,' a second expert told Happy Claptrap. 'In fact if it wasn’t for the press, we wouldn’t even know we were in a so-called recession. So let's focus on the positives and get some of that festive spirit inside us.'

The move comes as the stars of Dragon’s Den come under increasing pressure to put up or shut up, with the mood of a nation threatening to turn against the cruel entrepreneurs.

‘If they’re so good, why are we in the mess we’re allegedly in,’ demanded one angry Labour backbencher in a heated Commons’ debate yesterday.

‘They sit there smirking at decent, hard-working folk, slagging them off and then stealing their ideas. Maybe they should get off their lazy backsides and start doing a bit more themselves,’ said another.

Where as the dragons are happy to breathe fire in the safety of their own London loft apartment, they appear to be more of a collective damp squid when it comes to the British economy.

Special report: Gordon's last gamble

2008-11-28T17:48:00.006Z

Nestled among the cafes, clubs and erotic review bars at the heart of London's Soho lies a new kind of NHS service. In this special report, Happy Claptrap talks to Gordon, one of the first patients to seek treatment. His surname has been withheld to protect his privacy.

It's 'faites vos jeux' as the first NHS clinic for gambling addicts opens its shiny new doors on the fourth floor of a walk-in centre in Soho. And politicians say it's an initiative that's long overdue.

"This form of clinic could save the country billions of pounds," Gordon, a 50-something addict being helped by Gamblers Anonymous told Happy Claptrap.

For Gordon, the path to irresponsible gambling began when he and his friend Tony moved to London.

“It all started slowly,” he recalls. “A consultant here, a little bit of deregulation there.

“Then came the PFI initiatives, the off-balance sheet borrowing, the enormous IT contracts. We bet that contractors knew what they were doing.” He shakes his head, looking down ruefully at the floor, lost in unhappy memories. “They didn’t.”

Colleagues of Gordon say he became lost in his own solitary hell. “He was unable to communicate, to have relationships, to relax. He was sullen and would even storm out of meetings because of his consuming obsession,” one unnamed source recalled.

‘Gone in a flash’

And then came the credit crunch, and ‘Gone in a flash’, as he was secretly known to his colleagues , took the biggest gamble of all.

"I stole billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money and gambled the lot on one last throw of the dice. Billions of pounds, gone in an instant. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it was.

"It's the illness of want. I wanted it and I wanted it now. Well then. But it was now at the time,” he continued. “Gambling paints a pretty picture like a holiday in the Bahamas, a stylish designer kitchen, or that new car you’ve had your eye on. I believed that I – that everybody - could have all these things. And once I had gambled my way in, I tried to gamble my way out of it again.”

Will Gordon’s last gamble work? Nobody knows. But at last he has stumbled across his first certainty in over a decade: the realisation that he needs help and finally, there’s a little place in Soho where he can find it. Good luck, Gordon.

Editorial: British public out of step with reality

2008-11-10T16:26:00.007Z

Happy Claptrap has built a proud reputation of never shirking the big news stories. Wars, recession, and Joey Barton have all been reported OBJECTIVELY, ACCURATELY and, above all, HONESTLY.

But what we witnessed this weekend, live from London, has moved this organ to express its MORAL OUTRAGE at a deeply shocking MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE. Move aside Mr. Ross. Back to your cage Georgina Baillie. As the US elections made history, another vote has tainted these once proud shores and brought DISGRACE TO A NATION.

For dignified, demure celebrity dancer Heather Small has had her big heart SHATTERED by the collective weight of a nation of sofa-bound simpletons. To the shock of the jury, these intellectual invalids found their phones amongst the piles of pizza boxes to vote her off the show.

And as sequinned, once-serious political correspondent John Sergeant survives to continue marching – horribly out of time - across the trampled remains of his reputation, Heather and charming dance partner Brian Fortuna have paid the ultimate price: their dancing lives.

With the nation entering a nightmare of collapsing banks, mass redundancies and repossessed television sets, Happy Claptrap has no doubts as to who the finger of blame should point to and poke aggressively in the chest in this age of personality cult.

You.

Heather Small is financially secure thanks to her success as lead singer of rock/pop combo Boney M.

Brown: ‘Public credit Labour for the crisis’

2008-11-08T19:08:00.001Z

The prime minister has hailed Labour's Glenrothes by-election victory as a VOTE OF CONFIDENCE in the government as the economic crisis starts to bite.

Yet critics have LAMBASTED the Labour leader, saying that claims of widespread public enthusiasm for mass job losses, shortened working weeks and soaring inflation "beggar belief".
But as one beaming local explained to Happy Claptrap, “Thanks to Labour, my mortgage has gone down, the high street sales don’t stop and, best of all, I don’t have to go to work any more.”

Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Tavish Scott said, "Alex Salmond predicted the SNP would win – and he got it spectacularly wrong. In fact, he couldn’t have been more wrong, because not only did they not win, they lost. How can a man wrong by 100% be trusted to control a country in crisis?”

But the sour Scotsman responded bitterly. "I don't like their campaigning style. It was far too successful."

In the football world, a vote of confidence is generally understood to mean an imminent sacking.

Obama 'causes Commons chaos'

2008-11-05T17:08:00.006Z

Gordon Brown and David Cameron have sensationally clashed in the Commons over Barack Obama's victory - leading to a SPLIT THAT MAY NEVER HEAL, Happy Claptrap can report today.

The prime minister said Mr. Obama, America's first black president, had triumphed because he embodied the same values as Labour. "In electing Barack Obama, America has proved that it is a nation eager for change. And because my party shares many of the same policies it shows that we, too, are eager for change.”

But twinkle-eyed Tory leader Dave Cameron accused Mr Brown of offering more of the same. “How can the prime minister offer a real change, when by his own admission he and Mr. Obama are the same?” He also taunted Mr Brown over his recent claim that "this was no time for a novice".

And as the debate raged on, Mr. Brown hit back. “Just like Mr. Obama, I am new to leading a country in such difficult times. So we both have much in common, are both the same in offering real change - and I very much look forward to working with him,” he thundered to the approval of Labour backbenchers, many of whom HAD WOKEN UP ESPECIALLY. "Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has consistently opposed Mr Obama's policies to support the US economy."

To snoars of delight from his own backbenchers, Mr. Cameron responded by underlining his own credentials as the man of change. "Rather than accept US proposals, which would have made us the same, we consistently opposed them, which makes us different. We truly are the party of change - the same as we have always been!"

Even though Mr. Obama becomes America’s first black president, sources have confirmed he will live in the White House.

US08 'won’t get our vote'

2008-11-04T16:26:00.003Z

Thousands of British voters were left in shock this morning after being told they COULD NOT TAKE PART in the forthcoming US Presidential Elections.

“All I’ve seen on my bloody TV this last year is Obama this, McCain that, and something about Michael Palin shooting a seal. And now I go down to my local polling office and guess what? It’s not even open,” spat out one would-be voter. “Typical,” he added.

Full election coverage of US08 began in early 2007 and the vast majority of BBC journalists have now crossed the Atlantic to follow the candidates’ progress from comfortable hotels in large cities. And a WHOLE HOST of BBC programmes have been recorded in and beamed from the States, including Newsnight and Little Britain, whipping up a frenzy of apathy amongst the British public.

“First we’re told that interest from the electorate has plunged to an all time low,” one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. “Yet now we have Joe Public lifting himself – or herself – off the sofa to have his – or her – say only to be told he – or she – can’t vote in the first place. I don’t know what BBC bosses are thinking of, but now really is time for change.”

The US President is the most powerful man in the world, yet also one of the least popular.

Brown: 'Shopping boom or bust'

2008-10-30T18:02:00.003Z

Large crowds gathered in west London for the opening of Europe's biggest inner-city shopping complex, as Gordon Brown claimed government plans to spend its way out of the looming recession look set to become a STYLISH SUCCESS.

And Mayor Boris Johnson joined in the plaudits, saying that many Londoners had made a "prudent decision to give Thursday morning a miss and come shopping" as he left House of Fraser.

Tory leader David Cameron warned the country was entering the global economic downturn with the highest government deficit in the industrialised world. In exchanges with Mr Brown, he pointed to one economic forecast predicting that total debt this year could hit £64 billion – AFTER the redemption of John Lewis vouchers.

But Chancellor Alistair Darling delivered a stirring message to doubters, including local residents unhappy about the effect the centre on local car parking space. “We’re all in this together, and we all need to play our part. I urge consumers to come along to Westfield and spend like they’ve never spent before. We've bailed out the banks, money is available and interest rates are falling - there's never been a better time to purchase that handbag you've had your eye on,” he told Happy Claptrap. "Or perhaps a new plasma screen TV," he added.

The Westfield Shopping Centre boasts more space than 30 football pitches, although ball games are not permitted.

Icelanders 'in terror of UK laws'

2008-10-24T15:46:00.006+01:00

Icelanders are living in fear over UK reprisals against Reykjavik’s rogue banks who recently attempted the biggest heist in history against British taxpayers, institutions – and EVEN CHARITIES.

And as the Labour government - still smarting from defeat in the cod wars of the 1970s - continues to demand compensation, it could be PAYBACK TIME in the war of words, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

A backlash of escalating resentment has swept across the isolated outpost - culminating in a petition signed by 40,000 shivering locals. And signatories have also uploaded wry photographs of themselves holding up hand-written signs stating: "Mr. Brown, we are not terrorists."

But spy chiefs are said to be studying the pictures for clues which could prove a CHILLING INSIGHT into Iceland’s real intentions.

An unnamed source explained to Happy Claptrap: “Terrorists thrive in a world of secrecy. Individuals intent on the destruction of innocent UK citizens are not going to hold up a sign displaying their true motives. So we cannot dismiss the possibility that this so-called petition may be a bluff as shameless in its audacity as the recent theft of UK funds. Their action has served to strengthen the suspicions of some in Whitehall who shall remain nameless. And faceless.”

Iceland is best known for strange songstress Bjork and getting mixed up with Greenland.

Barton pledges to ‘support government’

2008-10-23T12:50:00.002+01:00

Controversial Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton, 26, has SENSATIONALLY offered his support to the government, Happy Claptrap can exclusively reveal.

With police forces undercounting some of the most serious offences in England and Wales, violent crime figures are down as a result. And as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith came under fire, the tough-tackling jailbird promised to return some of her recent hospitality.

An unnamed source told Happy Claptrap told BBC Sport, “Like all of us, Joey has heard about the fall in violent crime and wants to use his experience to do something about it – starting at Sunderland this Saturday.”

Barton, who has beaten up teammates and strangers alike, is best known for stubbing out his expensive cigar IN A TEENAGER’S FACE – leading to an outcry against his playboy antics. But following a spell behind bars, he hopes to become a role model for youngsters everywhere. “The public needs to be able to trust the authorities, and Joey feels he can start to redeem his past by helping getting those figures back where they belong.”

And Ms Smith launched her own stinging rebuke to critics: "Let's be clear, this isn't crime that wasn't being recorded or wasn't being reported or wasn't being dealt with. It was just being recorded falsely, reported the wrong way and dealt with badly. But the upshot is that, overall, violent crime is down. Probably.”

Policing Minister Vernon Croaker said crime figures could still be trusted, but remained unsure about Joey Barton.

Bus passengers 'driven around the bend'

2008-10-21T18:48:00.002+01:00

Happy Claptrap can today reveal that bendy-buses with the slogan "There's probably no God" could soon be running on the streets of London. The atheist posters are the idea of the British Humanist Association (BHA), supported by prominent god-fearing Professor Richard Dawkins - who nevertheless believes in BLACK HOLES, new dimensions and TIME TRAVEL!

“It’s bad enough they got rid of the bloody conductors. Now there’s no god as well. And to think they want to encourage people to take public transport”, complained one disgruntled passenger bitterly and at length. “I’ve been waiting here for nearly twenty minutes”, she added.

London mayor Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment, but an unnamed source in City Hall revealed, “The mayor has pledged to improve personal safety on London’s buses. More police will be made available to crack down on anti-social elements, but as yet we have no plans to eject supreme beings of any description.

Bendy buses are known to set on fire for no reason and crush unsuspecting cyclists.

De Villepin to 'go on strike'

2006-04-06T09:18:00.000+01:00

Unelected French prime minister, Presidential hopeful and struggling poet Dominic de Villepin has threatened to go ON STRIKE as his proposals to fight child unemployment continue to be met by riots, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

M. de Villepin has been heavily criticised for his plans to impose reality on the French workforce, including moves towards contracts that no longer guarantee JOBS FOR LIFE. And after Paris was almost burned to the ground for the second time this year, drastic action was felt to be necessary.

“Politicians can easily be put out of a job on the whim of the voter,” an aide told us late last night. “So why can’t the voter be easily put out of a job on the whim of a politician?” he continued in a comical French accent.

M. de Villepin said that unless his proposals are accepted, he will stage a series of one day walk outs that will leave the French government floundering “like a headless chicken”. He has also demanded a clear explanation of the ending of the film Cache (Hidden), according to sources.

US to ‘send man into Cyberspace’

2005-11-17T11:54:00.000Z

Top secret reports set out US government plans to launch the first man INTO CYBERSPACE, Happy Claptrap can reveal in an exclusive scoop.

As the world’s only online superpower, the US is responsible for policing web sites all over the globe, but troop commitments in Afghanistan and Iraq have stretched forces to BREAKING POINT.

“We can’t send in a battalion of Marines every time we find a site showing you how to make a bomb out of camel dung and dates in some flea-ridden sand hole in the middle of nowhere,” revealed one anonymous military source. “Sending men online, however, would allow us to close down these mothers with no collateral damage whatsoever,” he continued somewhat heatedly.

Happy Claptrap believes that the new technology works by DOWNLOADING THE BRAIN, converting it to an electronic file and then attaching it to an image of a muscular cartoon figure. The image would then be emailed to the offending site to “unleash hell”.

NASA yesterday slammed the claim as “a freakin’ joke, you Limey mutts”.

ID Cards: the bald facts

2005-10-17T16:59:00.000+01:00

Bald people stand to lose more than just their hair as the national ID Card Bill descends into farce, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

Technological difficulties mean they may also lose their IDENTITY should the looney legislation pass through parliament. Secret studies have shown that the follically-challenged risk being identified as somebody else OR NOT AT ALL – meaning many would cease to exist.

“It’s all very complicated, but essentially the problem arises when light reflects from a polished pate resulting in a poor quality scan,” one anonymous scientist told Happy Claptrap.

But a spokesman for bald people felt that the study wasn’t all bad news for baldies.

“Without an identity, identity theft would become a thing of the past for many bald men. On top of that, if we cease to officially exist our privacy would be protected so it’s goodbye to piles of unwanted post and nuisance phone calls.”

Famous bald people include Kojak, Yul Brynner and the singer from Hot Chocolate.

Bird flu ‘could infect blokes’

2005-10-13T15:59:00.000+01:00

Bird flu could affect men AS WELL AS women, Happy Claptrap can reveal in a sensational world exclusive. And EU states have been urged to stockpile twice as many anti-viral drugs following confirmation that the virulent virus is dangerous to BOTH SEXES.

News that the ‘bug with a beak’ could potentially claim TWICE THE NUMBER of victims worldwide has led to predictions warning of up to 250 million fatalities. And all governmental, military, financial and football institutions could be in danger of COMPLETE COLLAPSE.

According to one anonymous source, the result “would not be dissimilar to nuclear war and could possibly mean the end of western civilisation as we know it.”

Bird flu was originally thought to pose a danger only to women, especially those following alternative, so-called healthy lifestyles that include eating nuts, seeds and berries. UK divorces have shot up as birth rates plummet in the wake of government advice earlier in the year to stay away from close contact with birds.

Politicians prepare to 'steal votes'

2005-10-07T14:03:00.001+01:00

Party leaders have begun to stake their criminal credentials in the clamour to steal the prison vote, Happy Claptrap can exclusively reveal. And in the wake of the European Court’s no-no to the prison vote veto, Westminster’s criminal fraternity is finding itself back in fashion.

Labour liability Mike Watson, who was jailed for 16 months and stripped of his party membership for ARSON last month, was yesterday reinstated by Tony Blair. And deputy PM John Prescott has been urged to “HIT MORE HECKLERS” by his boss.

The Tory party, meanwhile, are expected to nominate a Jeffrey Archer/Jonathan Aitkin dream ticket of disgrace for the upcoming leadership election. Both have served time for perjury and perverting the course of justice and have built extensive networks of support within the prison system.

And clean-living Charles Kennedy is expected to announce a SENSATIONAL policy U-turn by declaring his party’s “unequivocal support” for the invasion of Iraq.

Davies challenges Cameron ‘to a fight’.

2005-10-05T17:33:00.000+01:00

Front runner David Davis has made his pitch for the Tory leadership by issuing a defiant battle cry to surprise package David Cameron. Claiming the Tories CAN win the next election under his control, Mr. Davis went on to challenge Mr. Cameron to “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”

Mr. Davis had widely been expected to launch an attack on prime minister Tony Blair and his neighbour, Gordon Brown. But seeing young Turk Cameron enter the fray with a hugely popular speech, Davies shifted his attack to undermine his rival as a serious contender.

And after accusing Cameron of believing “the whole world is in love with him,” Davis continued, ‘Well I have three little words to say to you, Master David Cameron. Outside. Carpark. Now.”

As Mr. Davis was dragged from the auditorium, a fierce debate had already got underway with stunned delegates pointing out that car park is actually two separate words.

Cameron: 'A butler for every household by 2020'

2005-10-04T11:38:00.002+01:00

David Cameron has launched his bid for the party leadership in SPECTACULAR style by promising a butler for every household in Britain by the year 2020. After being asked ‘to speak up a bit’, his IMPASSIONED speech told the party faithful that Tories “need to wake up to the twentieth-century and stop living in the past.”

“Right now, the Tories are perceived as caring for the well-off, not the have-nots," one anonymous Conservative MP told Happy Claptrap. “David can change all that. He strongly believes that he can prove that conservatives are comfortable with modern Britain – and he wants modern Britain to be comfortable with the Conservative party.”

Unfurling the banner of modernisation puts Mr.Cameron directly in the firing line of grass roots’ favourite David Davies. Mr. Davies will set out to establish his leadership credentials later today, when he is expected to outline his vision of war with Germany as the centrepiece of Tory policy.

The Conservatives have suffered three successive general election defeats at the hands of Labour.

'Sudoku Rage' on increase

2005-10-03T15:57:00.001+01:00

The number of violent incidents associated with popular puzzle Su-doku has ROCKETED over the last 12 months, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

Dubbed ‘the crossword for people who can’t spell’, Su-du-ku requires little or no vocabulary and has proved a hit amongst accountants and illegal immigrants alike.

“At first glance, Sod-oko appears to be the perfect past time for many groups of people,” one psychologist told Happy Claptrap in the early hours of this morning. “Just fill in a few empty boxes and hey presto, you’re a genius. You don’t even have to count to ten, for goodness’ sake.”

This self-satisfaction soon leads to FRUSTRATION, however, as players start getting stumped - often with CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.

“We’ve had dozens of biro stabbings this week alone,” reported one anonymous but shaken London Underground worker. “Lead poisoning is a constant threat and paper cuts are going on all the time. We don’t know where it’s going to end.”

Lost Charlie loses the plot

2005-09-29T11:58:00.000+01:00

British police will investigate reports that a contestant on controversial reality TV show Lost took illegal drugs, an unnamed source exclusively revealed to Happy Claptrap.

And as Channel 4 bosses came under heavy fire, the UK's top police chief SENSATIONALLY backed the decision to investigate the claims, citing the possible impact of such behaviour on "impressionable young people".

Footage beamed into front rooms all over the UK showed a DRUG CRAZED Charlie participating in DEBAUCHED drugs and drink sessions, THREATENING people for his stash and RIFLING through luggage in a desperate bid to fund his habit.

The show, which involves contestants being marooned on a luxury desert island, has already suffered a barrage of criticism from animal rights activists after the cold-blooded GUNNING DOWN of a polar bear. The RSPCA is also said to be deeply concerned for the welfare of Vincent, a golden retriever allowed to wander off into a jungle inhabited by invisible dinosaurs.

Britain ‘to overtake North Korea’ in secrecy rankings

2005-09-26T17:01:00.000+01:00

Classified new plans to protect secrets were not revealed by an unnamed government source to Happy Claptrap today. The proposals, which would have been formulated at a private meeting between unnamed members of the cabinet and security services, might have been the result of a study into mainland security by Home Secretary Charles Clarke.

Cuddly Mr. Clarke REFUSED to answer questions on the alleged plans, FUELLING SPECULATION that Britain is on the verge of replacing North Korea as the most secret nation on earth.

Paranoid president Kim Il Jong has led his nation to what many consider an unassailable lead at the top of the top secret tree. Mr.Clarke is, however, known to have set his sights on overtaking his obscurity-obsessed opponents in what would be an AMAZING turnaround for a country once known throughout the world as enjoying nothing more than “a nice chat over a good cup of tea.”

Exclusive: Arnie could be the next Adolf

2005-09-23T11:04:00.000+01:00

Arnold Schwarzenneger is in line to become the first Austrian since ADOLF HITLER to lead a Superpower, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

Current legislation prevents Mr. Schwarzenegger, the governor of California, Los Angeles, from EVER becoming president as he ‘was born thousands of miles away, the chump.’ But senior Republican officials see him as George Bush’s natural successor and plans are already being set in motion to change the law in time for the Oscar Awards 2006.

“Arnie is a big vote winner and the people love him,” one unnamed Hollywood mogul told Happy Claptrap whilst puffing furiously of a large cigar. “Imagine ‘Termintor 4: The War on Terror.’ What a film!”

Sven in frame as Tory leadership battle kicks off

2005-09-22T11:31:00.000+01:00

SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON was last night seen leaving Tory HQ, fuelling speculation that he is set to SENSATIONALLY quit England to become the next leader of the opposition.

Mr. Eriksson, who enjoyed several affairs whilst leading the national side to Euro 2004, is being increasingly seen as the man to put the Tories back in touch with the British public.

“Sven is a charming, intelligent and attractive man. He be ideally positioned win over the swinging female vote which accounts for up to 50% of the electorate”, one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap.

“Add on any football supporters who are not in prison on polling day and it’s clear that he would give the Conservative Party a clear majority in the next election,” he added.

Tory top brass are known to be keen admirers of the sordid Swede ever since England’s 5-1 thumping of the Germans – ON THEIR OWN SOIL.

Eurocrats ‘wage war’ on Eurobrats

2005-09-22T10:40:00.000+01:00

Teenagers are to be made ILLEGAL under new Euro measures to curb the rise in slouching, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

The proposals are also set to prohibit the wearing of “exposed undergarments”, “prison-white” trainers and “unfocused, churlish” expressions by any member of the community. They were immediately condemned as “f***ing rubbish” by a spokesman for UK teenagers at a press conference outside the MacDonald’s on Stevenage High Street.

However, incidents of slouching and general slothfulness are on the increase. National leaders recently issued a joint statement expressing concern at teenagers flooding onto the streets to STAND AROUND IDLY, SIT ON BENCHES, or RIDE VERY SMALL BIKES.

An independent survey commissioned by the European Council was shocked by findings that show the ‘seat of jean differential’ has continued to plummet, reaching the back of the knees and provoking calls for immediate action.

Parental groups are thought to welcome the move, with an unnamed Swedish father of two teenage children giving a typical reaction.

“My kids won’t talk to me, in fact they hate my guts. Even so, they eat my food, take my money and even steal my drugs. Good f*****g riddance, I say.”

Last night, police forces across 94 countries began rounding up known teenagers with burger restaurants, street corners and small, poorly-lit parks all eerily deserted.

Blair announces ‘Big Brother’ elections

2005-09-21T16:39:00.000+01:00

London 21/09/2005

ASTONISHING proposals to revive flagging interest in the electoral process have been disclosed to selected members of the press, Happy Claptrap can reveal.

Tony Blair is determined to push ahead with a Big Brother style election in which members of the public will vote to expel one party leader ‘from the house’ every week. The winner will then be asked to form a government and could also expect to earn hundreds of pounds through EXCLUSIVE magazine interviews and sponsorships, according to experts.

But Tory spokesman Michael Howard was quick to blast the plans as ‘sinister’, ‘a green light for illegal immigrants’ and ‘will we be allowed to stay up for The West Wing?’

The turnout of Mr. Blair’s constituency at the last election was disappointing, despite every vote cast automatically entering a free prize draw to win a copy of his latest CD 'Blair plays Banjo'.