Cameron “locked in secret talks with Liverpool”

Liverpool are set to make a SENSATIONAL SWOOP for Tory boss David Cameron, Happy Claptrap can reveal in a world exclusive. And should the Lib-Lab “Coalition of the Losers” go ahead, it is understood a disillusioned Dave would accept the offer, said to be in the region of £5 million a season.

"If true, this is a role that could potentially reinvigorate Mr. Cameron,” one unnamed source disclosed.

“The challenge of leading Liverpool FC would in fact have much in common with the challenge of leading Britain as a whole. Mountainous debt, an immigration policy in tatters and a club on the edge, but not in the heart, of Europe – this would tick all the right boxes.”

And the reaction of supporters in a staunch Labour stronghold is unlikely to prove a stumbling block to any deal.

“Just because the majority of an electorate votes in a certain way doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the party they are going to get. Yes, Liverpool is a safe Labour seat. But if a Tory were to take his place of the front bench at Anfield, it would only reflect the undercurrent of change currently transforming British politics.”

If appointed it is believed he will bring his own backroom staff, with William Hague as his number two.

Happy Claptrap was the first to ask this morning if Mr. Cameron is using ongoing talks with Liberal leader Nick Clegg as a smokescreen for secret discussions about his future in football, but he refused to comment.

Brown ‘erupts’ as Icelanders threaten economy once more

Gordon Brown has FURIOUSLY LASHED OUT at hapless Iceland this evening after volcanic ash ground UK air traffic to a halt for yet another day, threatening Britain’s fragile economy for the second time in as many years.

And as the prime minister attempts to position himself as an experienced leader ahead of the next election debate, he is widely expected to demand billions of pounds in compensation from the exploding outcrop he branded a terrorist state just 18 months ago, Happy Claptrap can disclose.

“First their banks brought our economy crashing down to earth and now it seems they want to bury us into the bargain,” thundered Brown  as thousands of stranded UK travellers face at least one more day of misery. “Well, I give you a personal guarantee this will not be allowed to happen under a Labour government.”

“Reykjavik has refused to pay back the huge sums defrauded from the British taxpayer,” explained an unnamed source close to number 10. “Now, to add insult to injury, it does rather seem as if they have farted into our collective face.”

But  Icelandic President Olaf Ragnar Grimsson hit back at the claims, declaring it “ludicrous to suggest the volcano was a terrorist act committed against the British people.”