Have-a-go hero "bottles it"

As the Conservative Party demands new plans to protect people who tackle burglars, another intruder has been VICIOUSLY ATTACKED as he attempted to break into a family home on Christmas Eve. But this time, the 'have-a-go hero' didn't have things all his own way.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Happy Claptrap, the shaken householder explained how he was woken up by suspicious noises on the roof.

“It sounded like someone laughing quite loudly, so I assumed they’d just had one Christmas spirit too many. But when I heard a commotion in the lounge downstairs I immediately feared for the safety of my kids - and that was when I lost control.”

The man, who asked not be named, crept downstairs to discover the intruder JAMMED IN THE CHIMNEY trying FRANTICALLY to free himself.

“That was when I just flipped,” the man told. “I saw this pair of boots kicking in the air, grabbed the first thing that came to hand and started to bash his legs with an empty bottle of brandy that was lying there.”

He then pulled the intruder down and “went bloody berserk.”

The burglar, who was clutching a big bag of booty presumably from A SERIES OF RAIDS IN THE AREA, managed to crawl out of the house before being rescued by an accomplice and making his escape – apparently into thin air.

“He kept shouting ‘Rudy, Rudy, what the hell are you doing you useless sod!’ Then I heard someone rush up behind me, but before I could turn around they bashed me over the head and that was all I remember until my wife found me outside this morning, still clutching the empty bottle. They even took all the presents I’d been out to buy earlier on, so the kids have got nowt to open again. I feel terrible and my head’s killing.”

But rather than praising the bravery of her husband, the man's wife branded him “a drunken loser and I've just about bloody had enough.”