As the Conservative Party demands new plans to protect people who tackle burglars, another intruder has been VICIOUSLY ATTACKED as he attempted to break into a family home on Christmas Eve. But this time, the 'have-a-go hero' didn't have things all his own way.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Happy Claptrap, the shaken householder explained how he was woken up by suspicious noises on the roof.
“It sounded like someone laughing quite loudly, so I assumed they’d just had one Christmas spirit too many. But when I heard a commotion in the lounge downstairs I immediately feared for the safety of my kids - and that was when I lost control.”
The man, who asked not be named, crept downstairs to discover the intruder JAMMED IN THE CHIMNEY trying FRANTICALLY to free himself.
“That was when I just flipped,” the man told. “I saw this pair of boots kicking in the air, grabbed the first thing that came to hand and started to bash his legs with an empty bottle of brandy that was lying there.”
He then pulled the intruder down and “went bloody berserk.”
The burglar, who was clutching a big bag of booty presumably from A SERIES OF RAIDS IN THE AREA, managed to crawl out of the house before being rescued by an accomplice and making his escape – apparently into thin air.
“He kept shouting ‘Rudy, Rudy, what the hell are you doing you useless sod!’ Then I heard someone rush up behind me, but before I could turn around they bashed me over the head and that was all I remember until my wife found me outside this morning, still clutching the empty bottle. They even took all the presents I’d been out to buy earlier on, so the kids have got nowt to open again. I feel terrible and my head’s killing.”
But rather than praising the bravery of her husband, the man's wife branded him “a drunken loser and I've just about bloody had enough.”
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
bin Laden “could go to City”
Osama bin Laden has been SENSATIONALLY sacked as boss of global terror outfit al-Quaeda, Happy Claptrap can reveal today.
And the move comes amid CRISIS TALKS at Manchester City, sparking rumours that the Saudi hit man is being lined up to replace EXPLOSIVE, ex-Manchester United striker Mark Hughes. City have yet to fire on all cylinders despite being the richest club in the world, and Hughes is COMING UNDER FIRE FROM FANS to produce the goods.
"This could be a good move for City," one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. "Bin Laden has proven experience in working with mixed nationalities, as well as handling big budgets. On top of that, his motivational skills are second to none: under him, the players would die for the shirt.
"Doubters point out that bin Laden has been out of the spotlight for too long, but Joe Kinnear's re-emergence at Newcastle last season appears to have BLOWN THE ARGUMENT APART.
According to the club, wage demands are yet to be discussed, although the City board has expressed a willingness to rename the stadium 'Middle Eastlands' to sweeten the deal. They are also investigating the possibility of holding pre-season training camps in southern Pakistan.
"City supporters are known for their fanaticism," said one excited season ticket holder. "So in that respect, bin Laden would fit in very well."
Bin Laden, who currently lives in a secret cave in Pakistan, is thought to be a keen admirer of ex-City bad boy Joey Barton and would try and make him his first signing.
And the move comes amid CRISIS TALKS at Manchester City, sparking rumours that the Saudi hit man is being lined up to replace EXPLOSIVE, ex-Manchester United striker Mark Hughes. City have yet to fire on all cylinders despite being the richest club in the world, and Hughes is COMING UNDER FIRE FROM FANS to produce the goods.
"This could be a good move for City," one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. "Bin Laden has proven experience in working with mixed nationalities, as well as handling big budgets. On top of that, his motivational skills are second to none: under him, the players would die for the shirt.
"Doubters point out that bin Laden has been out of the spotlight for too long, but Joe Kinnear's re-emergence at Newcastle last season appears to have BLOWN THE ARGUMENT APART.
According to the club, wage demands are yet to be discussed, although the City board has expressed a willingness to rename the stadium 'Middle Eastlands' to sweeten the deal. They are also investigating the possibility of holding pre-season training camps in southern Pakistan.
"City supporters are known for their fanaticism," said one excited season ticket holder. "So in that respect, bin Laden would fit in very well."
Bin Laden, who currently lives in a secret cave in Pakistan, is thought to be a keen admirer of ex-City bad boy Joey Barton and would try and make him his first signing.
Blair ‘to bail-out UK’
Tony Blair COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF BUYING BRITAIN, Happy Claptrap can reveal this very instant.The silver-tongued ex-socialist supremo, who has earned millions since leaving No 10, recently announced he had donated a significant sum to the Labour Party. And experts believe it could be the first step of a banking-style bailout as he plots to privatise the party – AND TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY.
The final months of Tony Blair's premiership saw a police investigation into allegations Labour donors had been offered honours in return for cash. But in a spectacular turnaround, it’s believed they may now BE OFFERED THE COUNTRY as Britain teeters on the borders of bankruptcy.
“Things have deteriorated rapidly since Tony left office,’ one unnamed source close to the cabinet told Happy Claptrap. “Britain is broke, Brown is gambling away our financial futures, and we don’t even get biscuits with our tea in cabinet meetings like we used to,” he complained. “Tony feels only one man can rescue the situation.”
Mr Blair's closest political allies from his time at Number 10, including ex-minister David Blunkett, former Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson, and demented spin doctor Alistair Cambell, have all donated cash in the same period, FUELLING RUMOURS that Blair is putting together a dream team to take over the country. And if the move goes ahead, it is thought the electorate may lose the right to vote until the donors receive their investment back.
Mr Blair refused to comment on the matter, but did suggest that Alan Shearer could challenge Jackie Milburn as Newcastle United’s greatest-ever player.
The final months of Tony Blair's premiership saw a police investigation into allegations Labour donors had been offered honours in return for cash. But in a spectacular turnaround, it’s believed they may now BE OFFERED THE COUNTRY as Britain teeters on the borders of bankruptcy.
“Things have deteriorated rapidly since Tony left office,’ one unnamed source close to the cabinet told Happy Claptrap. “Britain is broke, Brown is gambling away our financial futures, and we don’t even get biscuits with our tea in cabinet meetings like we used to,” he complained. “Tony feels only one man can rescue the situation.”
Mr Blair's closest political allies from his time at Number 10, including ex-minister David Blunkett, former Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson, and demented spin doctor Alistair Cambell, have all donated cash in the same period, FUELLING RUMOURS that Blair is putting together a dream team to take over the country. And if the move goes ahead, it is thought the electorate may lose the right to vote until the donors receive their investment back.
Mr Blair refused to comment on the matter, but did suggest that Alan Shearer could challenge Jackie Milburn as Newcastle United’s greatest-ever player.
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