Gordon Brown had his own Christmas message for the country today as he SENSATIONALLY claimed to have ‘SAVED THE WORLD’ to a disbelieving House of Commons.
But church leaders and the Tory party rejected his boast, accusing the under-fire PM of PLAYING POLITICS with the true meaning of Christmas.
'Brown has gone too far this time,” said one incensed vicar. “Far from taking away sin from the world, he has introduced record amounts of government borrowing. His yoke is set to be extremely heavy for future generations and will keep the tax collector busier than ever. And what’s more, he’s a Presbyterian.'
David Cameron had earlier joined the chorus of disapproval, bellowing that Mr. Brown ‘has sold the nation’s possessions to give to the mega-rich. Far from being a good shepherd, the Prime Minister has proved time after time that he is nothing but a big turkey. What this great nation of ours really wants for Christmas is a change.'
But as the taunts flew thick and fast, the first signs of support began to emerge from banking bigwigs in the City of London.
“As the recession starts to take its toll and the pound hits a new low against the Euro, many feel that Britain needs a miracle,' one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. 'If we can believe what Brown says, he could be just the man to provide it.”
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Recession ‘not such a bad thing’
A top government think tank today branded the recession ‘boring, blown out of proportion and in bad taste,’ Happy Claptrap has been told.
And as the so-called Credit Crisis continues to dominate the headlines, cries to end continual talk of financial woes and ‘focus on the positives’ in the run-up to Christmas are expected.
‘All we seem to hear about these days is collapsing bank this, job cutbacks that, and Joey Barton the other,’ said one expert. ‘No wonder interest rates are at an all time low.’
But with the high street sales in full swing, house prices falling dramatically, and a new lower rate of VAT, there are plenty of great deals to be had in the run up to the holidays.
‘This is a traditional time of good cheer and consumers have never had it so good as far as bargains are concerned,' a second expert told Happy Claptrap. 'In fact if it wasn’t for the press, we wouldn’t even know we were in a so-called recession. So let's focus on the positives and get some of that festive spirit inside us.'
The move comes as the stars of Dragon’s Den come under increasing pressure to put up or shut up, with the mood of a nation threatening to turn against the cruel entrepreneurs.
‘If they’re so good, why are we in the mess we’re allegedly in,’ demanded one angry Labour backbencher in a heated Commons’ debate yesterday.
‘They sit there smirking at decent, hard-working folk, slagging them off and then stealing their ideas. Maybe they should get off their lazy backsides and start doing a bit more themselves,’ said another.
Where as the dragons are happy to breathe fire in the safety of their own London loft apartment, they appear to be more of a collective damp squid when it comes to the British economy.
And as the so-called Credit Crisis continues to dominate the headlines, cries to end continual talk of financial woes and ‘focus on the positives’ in the run-up to Christmas are expected.
‘All we seem to hear about these days is collapsing bank this, job cutbacks that, and Joey Barton the other,’ said one expert. ‘No wonder interest rates are at an all time low.’
But with the high street sales in full swing, house prices falling dramatically, and a new lower rate of VAT, there are plenty of great deals to be had in the run up to the holidays.
‘This is a traditional time of good cheer and consumers have never had it so good as far as bargains are concerned,' a second expert told Happy Claptrap. 'In fact if it wasn’t for the press, we wouldn’t even know we were in a so-called recession. So let's focus on the positives and get some of that festive spirit inside us.'
The move comes as the stars of Dragon’s Den come under increasing pressure to put up or shut up, with the mood of a nation threatening to turn against the cruel entrepreneurs.
‘If they’re so good, why are we in the mess we’re allegedly in,’ demanded one angry Labour backbencher in a heated Commons’ debate yesterday.
‘They sit there smirking at decent, hard-working folk, slagging them off and then stealing their ideas. Maybe they should get off their lazy backsides and start doing a bit more themselves,’ said another.
Where as the dragons are happy to breathe fire in the safety of their own London loft apartment, they appear to be more of a collective damp squid when it comes to the British economy.
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