Special report: Gordon's last gamble

Nestled among the cafes, clubs and erotic review bars at the heart of London's Soho lies a new kind of NHS service. In this special report, Happy Claptrap talks to Gordon, one of the first patients to seek treatment. His surname has been withheld to protect his privacy.

It's 'faites vos jeux' as the first NHS clinic for gambling addicts opens its shiny new doors on the fourth floor of a walk-in centre in Soho. And politicians say it's an initiative that's long overdue.

"This form of clinic could save the country billions of pounds," Gordon, a 50-something addict being helped by Gamblers Anonymous told Happy Claptrap.

For Gordon, the path to irresponsible gambling began when he and his friend Tony moved to London.

“It all started slowly,” he recalls. “A consultant here, a little bit of deregulation there.

“Then came the PFI initiatives, the off-balance sheet borrowing, the enormous IT contracts. We bet that contractors knew what they were doing.” He shakes his head, looking down ruefully at the floor, lost in unhappy memories. “They didn’t.”

Colleagues of Gordon say he became lost in his own solitary hell. “He was unable to communicate, to have relationships, to relax. He was sullen and would even storm out of meetings because of his consuming obsession,” one unnamed source recalled.

‘Gone in a flash’

And then came the credit crunch, and ‘Gone in a flash’, as he was secretly known to his colleagues , took the biggest gamble of all.

"I stole billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money and gambled the lot on one last throw of the dice. Billions of pounds, gone in an instant. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it was.

"It's the illness of want. I wanted it and I wanted it now. Well then. But it was now at the time,” he continued. “Gambling paints a pretty picture like a holiday in the Bahamas, a stylish designer kitchen, or that new car you’ve had your eye on. I believed that I – that everybody - could have all these things. And once I had gambled my way in, I tried to gamble my way out of it again.”

Will Gordon’s last gamble work? Nobody knows. But at last he has stumbled across his first certainty in over a decade: the realisation that he needs help and finally, there’s a little place in Soho where he can find it. Good luck, Gordon.

Editorial: British public out of step with reality

Happy Claptrap has built a proud reputation of never shirking the big news stories. Wars, recession, and Joey Barton have all been reported OBJECTIVELY, ACCURATELY and, above all, HONESTLY.

But what we witnessed this weekend, live from London, has moved this organ to express its MORAL OUTRAGE at a deeply shocking MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE. Move aside Mr. Ross. Back to your cage Georgina Baillie. As the US elections made history, another vote has tainted these once proud shores and brought DISGRACE TO A NATION.

For dignified, demure celebrity dancer Heather Small has had her big heart SHATTERED by the collective weight of a nation of sofa-bound simpletons. To the shock of the jury, these intellectual invalids found their phones amongst the piles of pizza boxes to vote her off the show.

And as sequinned, once-serious political correspondent John Sergeant survives to continue marching – horribly out of time - across the trampled remains of his reputation, Heather and charming dance partner Brian Fortuna have paid the ultimate price: their dancing lives.

With the nation entering a nightmare of collapsing banks, mass redundancies and repossessed television sets, Happy Claptrap has no doubts as to who the finger of blame should point to and poke aggressively in the chest in this age of personality cult.

You.


Heather Small is financially secure thanks to her success as lead singer of rock/pop combo Boney M.

Brown: ‘Public credit Labour for the crisis’

The prime minister has hailed Labour's Glenrothes by-election victory as a VOTE OF CONFIDENCE in the government as the economic crisis starts to bite.

Yet critics have LAMBASTED the Labour leader, saying that claims of widespread public enthusiasm for mass job losses, shortened working weeks and soaring inflation "beggar belief".
But as one beaming local explained to Happy Claptrap, “Thanks to Labour, my mortgage has gone down, the high street sales don’t stop and, best of all, I don’t have to go to work any more.”

Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Tavish Scott said, "Alex Salmond predicted the SNP would win – and he got it spectacularly wrong. In fact, he couldn’t have been more wrong, because not only did they not win, they lost. How can a man wrong by 100% be trusted to control a country in crisis?”

But the sour Scotsman responded bitterly. "I don't like their campaigning style. It was far too successful."

In the football world, a vote of confidence is generally understood to mean an imminent sacking.

Obama 'causes Commons chaos'

Gordon Brown and David Cameron have sensationally clashed in the Commons over Barack Obama's victory - leading to a SPLIT THAT MAY NEVER HEAL, Happy Claptrap can report today.

The prime minister said Mr. Obama, America's first black president, had triumphed because he embodied the same values as Labour. "In electing Barack Obama, America has proved that it is a nation eager for change. And because my party shares many of the same policies it shows that we, too, are eager for change.”

But twinkle-eyed Tory leader Dave Cameron accused Mr Brown of offering more of the same. “How can the prime minister offer a real change, when by his own admission he and Mr. Obama are the same?” He also taunted Mr Brown over his recent claim that "this was no time for a novice".

And as the debate raged on, Mr. Brown hit back. “Just like Mr. Obama, I am new to leading a country in such difficult times. So we both have much in common, are both the same in offering real change - and I very much look forward to working with him,” he thundered to the approval of Labour backbenchers, many of whom HAD WOKEN UP ESPECIALLY. "Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has consistently opposed Mr Obama's policies to support the US economy."

To snoars of delight from his own backbenchers, Mr. Cameron responded by underlining his own credentials as the man of change. "Rather than accept US proposals, which would have made us the same, we consistently opposed them, which makes us different. We truly are the party of change - the same as we have always been!"

Even though Mr. Obama becomes America’s first black president, sources have confirmed he will live in the White House.

US08 'won’t get our vote'

Thousands of British voters were left in shock this morning after being told they COULD NOT TAKE PART in the forthcoming US Presidential Elections.

“All I’ve seen on my bloody TV this last year is Obama this, McCain that, and something about Michael Palin shooting a seal. And now I go down to my local polling office and guess what? It’s not even open,” spat out one would-be voter. “Typical,” he added.

Full election coverage of US08 began in early 2007 and the vast majority of BBC journalists have now crossed the Atlantic to follow the candidates’ progress from comfortable hotels in large cities. And a WHOLE HOST of BBC programmes have been recorded in and beamed from the States, including Newsnight and Little Britain, whipping up a frenzy of apathy amongst the British public.

“First we’re told that interest from the electorate has plunged to an all time low,” one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. “Yet now we have Joe Public lifting himself – or herself – off the sofa to have his – or her – say only to be told he – or she – can’t vote in the first place. I don’t know what BBC bosses are thinking of, but now really is time for change.”

The US President is the most powerful man in the world, yet also one of the least popular.