Large crowds gathered in west London for the opening of Europe's biggest inner-city shopping complex, as Gordon Brown claimed government plans to spend its way out of the looming recession look set to become a STYLISH SUCCESS.
And Mayor Boris Johnson joined in the plaudits, saying that many Londoners had made a "prudent decision to give Thursday morning a miss and come shopping" as he left House of Fraser.
Tory leader David Cameron warned the country was entering the global economic downturn with the highest government deficit in the industrialised world. In exchanges with Mr Brown, he pointed to one economic forecast predicting that total debt this year could hit £64 billion – AFTER the redemption of John Lewis vouchers.
But Chancellor Alistair Darling delivered a stirring message to doubters, including local residents unhappy about the effect the centre on local car parking space. “We’re all in this together, and we all need to play our part. I urge consumers to come along to Westfield and spend like they’ve never spent before. We've bailed out the banks, money is available and interest rates are falling - there's never been a better time to purchase that handbag you've had your eye on,” he told Happy Claptrap. "Or perhaps a new plasma screen TV," he added.
The Westfield Shopping Centre boasts more space than 30 football pitches, although ball games are not permitted.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Icelanders 'in terror of UK laws'
Icelanders are living in fear over UK reprisals against Reykjavik’s rogue banks who recently attempted the biggest heist in history against British taxpayers, institutions – and EVEN CHARITIES.
And as the Labour government - still smarting from defeat in the cod wars of the 1970s - continues to demand compensation, it could be PAYBACK TIME in the war of words, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
A backlash of escalating resentment has swept across the isolated outpost - culminating in a petition signed by 40,000 shivering locals. And signatories have also uploaded wry photographs of themselves holding up hand-written signs stating: "Mr. Brown, we are not terrorists."
But spy chiefs are said to be studying the pictures for clues which could prove a CHILLING INSIGHT into Iceland’s real intentions.
An unnamed source explained to Happy Claptrap: “Terrorists thrive in a world of secrecy. Individuals intent on the destruction of innocent UK citizens are not going to hold up a sign displaying their true motives. So we cannot dismiss the possibility that this so-called petition may be a bluff as shameless in its audacity as the recent theft of UK funds. Their action has served to strengthen the suspicions of some in Whitehall who shall remain nameless. And faceless.”
Iceland is best known for strange songstress Bjork and getting mixed up with Greenland.
And as the Labour government - still smarting from defeat in the cod wars of the 1970s - continues to demand compensation, it could be PAYBACK TIME in the war of words, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
A backlash of escalating resentment has swept across the isolated outpost - culminating in a petition signed by 40,000 shivering locals. And signatories have also uploaded wry photographs of themselves holding up hand-written signs stating: "Mr. Brown, we are not terrorists."
But spy chiefs are said to be studying the pictures for clues which could prove a CHILLING INSIGHT into Iceland’s real intentions.
An unnamed source explained to Happy Claptrap: “Terrorists thrive in a world of secrecy. Individuals intent on the destruction of innocent UK citizens are not going to hold up a sign displaying their true motives. So we cannot dismiss the possibility that this so-called petition may be a bluff as shameless in its audacity as the recent theft of UK funds. Their action has served to strengthen the suspicions of some in Whitehall who shall remain nameless. And faceless.”
Iceland is best known for strange songstress Bjork and getting mixed up with Greenland.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Barton pledges to ‘support government’
Controversial Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton, 26, has SENSATIONALLY offered his support to the government, Happy Claptrap can exclusively reveal.
With police forces undercounting some of the most serious offences in England and Wales, violent crime figures are down as a result. And as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith came under fire, the tough-tackling jailbird promised to return some of her recent hospitality.
An unnamed source told Happy Claptrap told BBC Sport, “Like all of us, Joey has heard about the fall in violent crime and wants to use his experience to do something about it – starting at Sunderland this Saturday.”
Barton, who has beaten up teammates and strangers alike, is best known for stubbing out his expensive cigar IN A TEENAGER’S FACE – leading to an outcry against his playboy antics. But following a spell behind bars, he hopes to become a role model for youngsters everywhere. “The public needs to be able to trust the authorities, and Joey feels he can start to redeem his past by helping getting those figures back where they belong.”
And Ms Smith launched her own stinging rebuke to critics: "Let's be clear, this isn't crime that wasn't being recorded or wasn't being reported or wasn't being dealt with. It was just being recorded falsely, reported the wrong way and dealt with badly. But the upshot is that, overall, violent crime is down. Probably.”
Policing Minister Vernon Croaker said crime figures could still be trusted, but remained unsure about Joey Barton.
With police forces undercounting some of the most serious offences in England and Wales, violent crime figures are down as a result. And as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith came under fire, the tough-tackling jailbird promised to return some of her recent hospitality.
An unnamed source told Happy Claptrap told BBC Sport, “Like all of us, Joey has heard about the fall in violent crime and wants to use his experience to do something about it – starting at Sunderland this Saturday.”
Barton, who has beaten up teammates and strangers alike, is best known for stubbing out his expensive cigar IN A TEENAGER’S FACE – leading to an outcry against his playboy antics. But following a spell behind bars, he hopes to become a role model for youngsters everywhere. “The public needs to be able to trust the authorities, and Joey feels he can start to redeem his past by helping getting those figures back where they belong.”
And Ms Smith launched her own stinging rebuke to critics: "Let's be clear, this isn't crime that wasn't being recorded or wasn't being reported or wasn't being dealt with. It was just being recorded falsely, reported the wrong way and dealt with badly. But the upshot is that, overall, violent crime is down. Probably.”
Policing Minister Vernon Croaker said crime figures could still be trusted, but remained unsure about Joey Barton.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Bus passengers 'driven around the bend'
Happy Claptrap can today reveal that bendy-buses with the slogan "There's probably no God" could soon be running on the streets of London. The atheist posters are the idea of the British Humanist Association (BHA), supported by prominent god-fearing Professor Richard Dawkins - who nevertheless believes in BLACK HOLES, new dimensions and TIME TRAVEL!
“It’s bad enough they got rid of the bloody conductors. Now there’s no god as well. And to think they want to encourage people to take public transport”, complained one disgruntled passenger bitterly and at length. “I’ve been waiting here for nearly twenty minutes”, she added.
London mayor Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment, but an unnamed source in City Hall revealed, “The mayor has pledged to improve personal safety on London’s buses. More police will be made available to crack down on anti-social elements, but as yet we have no plans to eject supreme beings of any description.
Bendy buses are known to set on fire for no reason and crush unsuspecting cyclists.
“It’s bad enough they got rid of the bloody conductors. Now there’s no god as well. And to think they want to encourage people to take public transport”, complained one disgruntled passenger bitterly and at length. “I’ve been waiting here for nearly twenty minutes”, she added.
London mayor Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment, but an unnamed source in City Hall revealed, “The mayor has pledged to improve personal safety on London’s buses. More police will be made available to crack down on anti-social elements, but as yet we have no plans to eject supreme beings of any description.
Bendy buses are known to set on fire for no reason and crush unsuspecting cyclists.
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