Gordon Brown had his own Christmas message for the country today as he SENSATIONALLY claimed to have ‘SAVED THE WORLD’ to a disbelieving House of Commons.
But church leaders and the Tory party rejected his boast, accusing the under-fire PM of PLAYING POLITICS with the true meaning of Christmas.
'Brown has gone too far this time,” said one incensed vicar. “Far from taking away sin from the world, he has introduced record amounts of government borrowing. His yoke is set to be extremely heavy for future generations and will keep the tax collector busier than ever. And what’s more, he’s a Presbyterian.'
David Cameron had earlier joined the chorus of disapproval, bellowing that Mr. Brown ‘has sold the nation’s possessions to give to the mega-rich. Far from being a good shepherd, the Prime Minister has proved time after time that he is nothing but a big turkey. What this great nation of ours really wants for Christmas is a change.'
But as the taunts flew thick and fast, the first signs of support began to emerge from banking bigwigs in the City of London.
“As the recession starts to take its toll and the pound hits a new low against the Euro, many feel that Britain needs a miracle,' one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. 'If we can believe what Brown says, he could be just the man to provide it.”
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Recession ‘not such a bad thing’
A top government think tank today branded the recession ‘boring, blown out of proportion and in bad taste,’ Happy Claptrap has been told.
And as the so-called Credit Crisis continues to dominate the headlines, cries to end continual talk of financial woes and ‘focus on the positives’ in the run-up to Christmas are expected.
‘All we seem to hear about these days is collapsing bank this, job cutbacks that, and Joey Barton the other,’ said one expert. ‘No wonder interest rates are at an all time low.’
But with the high street sales in full swing, house prices falling dramatically, and a new lower rate of VAT, there are plenty of great deals to be had in the run up to the holidays.
‘This is a traditional time of good cheer and consumers have never had it so good as far as bargains are concerned,' a second expert told Happy Claptrap. 'In fact if it wasn’t for the press, we wouldn’t even know we were in a so-called recession. So let's focus on the positives and get some of that festive spirit inside us.'
The move comes as the stars of Dragon’s Den come under increasing pressure to put up or shut up, with the mood of a nation threatening to turn against the cruel entrepreneurs.
‘If they’re so good, why are we in the mess we’re allegedly in,’ demanded one angry Labour backbencher in a heated Commons’ debate yesterday.
‘They sit there smirking at decent, hard-working folk, slagging them off and then stealing their ideas. Maybe they should get off their lazy backsides and start doing a bit more themselves,’ said another.
Where as the dragons are happy to breathe fire in the safety of their own London loft apartment, they appear to be more of a collective damp squid when it comes to the British economy.
And as the so-called Credit Crisis continues to dominate the headlines, cries to end continual talk of financial woes and ‘focus on the positives’ in the run-up to Christmas are expected.
‘All we seem to hear about these days is collapsing bank this, job cutbacks that, and Joey Barton the other,’ said one expert. ‘No wonder interest rates are at an all time low.’
But with the high street sales in full swing, house prices falling dramatically, and a new lower rate of VAT, there are plenty of great deals to be had in the run up to the holidays.
‘This is a traditional time of good cheer and consumers have never had it so good as far as bargains are concerned,' a second expert told Happy Claptrap. 'In fact if it wasn’t for the press, we wouldn’t even know we were in a so-called recession. So let's focus on the positives and get some of that festive spirit inside us.'
The move comes as the stars of Dragon’s Den come under increasing pressure to put up or shut up, with the mood of a nation threatening to turn against the cruel entrepreneurs.
‘If they’re so good, why are we in the mess we’re allegedly in,’ demanded one angry Labour backbencher in a heated Commons’ debate yesterday.
‘They sit there smirking at decent, hard-working folk, slagging them off and then stealing their ideas. Maybe they should get off their lazy backsides and start doing a bit more themselves,’ said another.
Where as the dragons are happy to breathe fire in the safety of their own London loft apartment, they appear to be more of a collective damp squid when it comes to the British economy.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Special report: Gordon's last gamble
Nestled among the cafes, clubs and erotic review bars at the heart of London's Soho lies a new kind of NHS service. In this special report, Happy Claptrap talks to Gordon, one of the first patients to seek treatment. His surname has been withheld to protect his privacy.
It's 'faites vos jeux' as the first NHS clinic for gambling addicts opens its shiny new doors on the fourth floor of a walk-in centre in Soho. And politicians say it's an initiative that's long overdue.
"This form of clinic could save the country billions of pounds," Gordon, a 50-something addict being helped by Gamblers Anonymous told Happy Claptrap.
For Gordon, the path to irresponsible gambling began when he and his friend Tony moved to London.
“It all started slowly,” he recalls. “A consultant here, a little bit of deregulation there.
“Then came the PFI initiatives, the off-balance sheet borrowing, the enormous IT contracts. We bet that contractors knew what they were doing.” He shakes his head, looking down ruefully at the floor, lost in unhappy memories. “They didn’t.”
Colleagues of Gordon say he became lost in his own solitary hell. “He was unable to communicate, to have relationships, to relax. He was sullen and would even storm out of meetings because of his consuming obsession,” one unnamed source recalled.
‘Gone in a flash’
And then came the credit crunch, and ‘Gone in a flash’, as he was secretly known to his colleagues , took the biggest gamble of all.
"I stole billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money and gambled the lot on one last throw of the dice. Billions of pounds, gone in an instant. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it was.
"It's the illness of want. I wanted it and I wanted it now. Well then. But it was now at the time,” he continued. “Gambling paints a pretty picture like a holiday in the Bahamas, a stylish designer kitchen, or that new car you’ve had your eye on. I believed that I – that everybody - could have all these things. And once I had gambled my way in, I tried to gamble my way out of it again.”
Will Gordon’s last gamble work? Nobody knows. But at last he has stumbled across his first certainty in over a decade: the realisation that he needs help and finally, there’s a little place in Soho where he can find it. Good luck, Gordon.
It's 'faites vos jeux' as the first NHS clinic for gambling addicts opens its shiny new doors on the fourth floor of a walk-in centre in Soho. And politicians say it's an initiative that's long overdue.
"This form of clinic could save the country billions of pounds," Gordon, a 50-something addict being helped by Gamblers Anonymous told Happy Claptrap.
For Gordon, the path to irresponsible gambling began when he and his friend Tony moved to London.
“It all started slowly,” he recalls. “A consultant here, a little bit of deregulation there.
“Then came the PFI initiatives, the off-balance sheet borrowing, the enormous IT contracts. We bet that contractors knew what they were doing.” He shakes his head, looking down ruefully at the floor, lost in unhappy memories. “They didn’t.”
Colleagues of Gordon say he became lost in his own solitary hell. “He was unable to communicate, to have relationships, to relax. He was sullen and would even storm out of meetings because of his consuming obsession,” one unnamed source recalled.
‘Gone in a flash’
And then came the credit crunch, and ‘Gone in a flash’, as he was secretly known to his colleagues , took the biggest gamble of all.
"I stole billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money and gambled the lot on one last throw of the dice. Billions of pounds, gone in an instant. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it was.
"It's the illness of want. I wanted it and I wanted it now. Well then. But it was now at the time,” he continued. “Gambling paints a pretty picture like a holiday in the Bahamas, a stylish designer kitchen, or that new car you’ve had your eye on. I believed that I – that everybody - could have all these things. And once I had gambled my way in, I tried to gamble my way out of it again.”
Will Gordon’s last gamble work? Nobody knows. But at last he has stumbled across his first certainty in over a decade: the realisation that he needs help and finally, there’s a little place in Soho where he can find it. Good luck, Gordon.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Editorial: British public out of step with reality
Happy Claptrap has built a proud reputation of never shirking the big news stories. Wars, recession, and Joey Barton have all been reported OBJECTIVELY, ACCURATELY and, above all, HONESTLY.
But what we witnessed this weekend, live from London, has moved this organ to express its MORAL OUTRAGE at a deeply shocking MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE. Move aside Mr. Ross. Back to your cage Georgina Baillie. As the US elections made history, another vote has tainted these once proud shores and brought DISGRACE TO A NATION.
For dignified, demure celebrity dancer Heather Small has had her big heart SHATTERED by the collective weight of a nation of sofa-bound simpletons. To the shock of the jury, these intellectual invalids found their phones amongst the piles of pizza boxes to vote her off the show.
And as sequinned, once-serious political correspondent John Sergeant survives to continue marching – horribly out of time - across the trampled remains of his reputation, Heather and charming dance partner Brian Fortuna have paid the ultimate price: their dancing lives.
With the nation entering a nightmare of collapsing banks, mass redundancies and repossessed television sets, Happy Claptrap has no doubts as to who the finger of blame should point to and poke aggressively in the chest in this age of personality cult.
You.
Heather Small is financially secure thanks to her success as lead singer of rock/pop combo Boney M.
But what we witnessed this weekend, live from London, has moved this organ to express its MORAL OUTRAGE at a deeply shocking MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE. Move aside Mr. Ross. Back to your cage Georgina Baillie. As the US elections made history, another vote has tainted these once proud shores and brought DISGRACE TO A NATION.
For dignified, demure celebrity dancer Heather Small has had her big heart SHATTERED by the collective weight of a nation of sofa-bound simpletons. To the shock of the jury, these intellectual invalids found their phones amongst the piles of pizza boxes to vote her off the show.
And as sequinned, once-serious political correspondent John Sergeant survives to continue marching – horribly out of time - across the trampled remains of his reputation, Heather and charming dance partner Brian Fortuna have paid the ultimate price: their dancing lives.
With the nation entering a nightmare of collapsing banks, mass redundancies and repossessed television sets, Happy Claptrap has no doubts as to who the finger of blame should point to and poke aggressively in the chest in this age of personality cult.
You.
Heather Small is financially secure thanks to her success as lead singer of rock/pop combo Boney M.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Brown: ‘Public credit Labour for the crisis’
The prime minister has hailed Labour's Glenrothes by-election victory as a VOTE OF CONFIDENCE in the government as the economic crisis starts to bite.
Yet critics have LAMBASTED the Labour leader, saying that claims of widespread public enthusiasm for mass job losses, shortened working weeks and soaring inflation "beggar belief".
But as one beaming local explained to Happy Claptrap, “Thanks to Labour, my mortgage has gone down, the high street sales don’t stop and, best of all, I don’t have to go to work any more.”
Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Tavish Scott said, "Alex Salmond predicted the SNP would win – and he got it spectacularly wrong. In fact, he couldn’t have been more wrong, because not only did they not win, they lost. How can a man wrong by 100% be trusted to control a country in crisis?”
But the sour Scotsman responded bitterly. "I don't like their campaigning style. It was far too successful."
In the football world, a vote of confidence is generally understood to mean an imminent sacking.
Yet critics have LAMBASTED the Labour leader, saying that claims of widespread public enthusiasm for mass job losses, shortened working weeks and soaring inflation "beggar belief".
But as one beaming local explained to Happy Claptrap, “Thanks to Labour, my mortgage has gone down, the high street sales don’t stop and, best of all, I don’t have to go to work any more.”
Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Tavish Scott said, "Alex Salmond predicted the SNP would win – and he got it spectacularly wrong. In fact, he couldn’t have been more wrong, because not only did they not win, they lost. How can a man wrong by 100% be trusted to control a country in crisis?”
But the sour Scotsman responded bitterly. "I don't like their campaigning style. It was far too successful."
In the football world, a vote of confidence is generally understood to mean an imminent sacking.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Obama 'causes Commons chaos'
Gordon Brown and David Cameron have sensationally clashed in the Commons over Barack Obama's victory - leading to a SPLIT THAT MAY NEVER HEAL, Happy Claptrap can report today.
The prime minister said Mr. Obama, America's first black president, had triumphed because he embodied the same values as Labour. "In electing Barack Obama, America has proved that it is a nation eager for change. And because my party shares many of the same policies it shows that we, too, are eager for change.”
But twinkle-eyed Tory leader Dave Cameron accused Mr Brown of offering more of the same. “How can the prime minister offer a real change, when by his own admission he and Mr. Obama are the same?” He also taunted Mr Brown over his recent claim that "this was no time for a novice".
And as the debate raged on, Mr. Brown hit back. “Just like Mr. Obama, I am new to leading a country in such difficult times. So we both have much in common, are both the same in offering real change - and I very much look forward to working with him,” he thundered to the approval of Labour backbenchers, many of whom HAD WOKEN UP ESPECIALLY. "Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has consistently opposed Mr Obama's policies to support the US economy."
To snoars of delight from his own backbenchers, Mr. Cameron responded by underlining his own credentials as the man of change. "Rather than accept US proposals, which would have made us the same, we consistently opposed them, which makes us different. We truly are the party of change - the same as we have always been!"
Even though Mr. Obama becomes America’s first black president, sources have confirmed he will live in the White House.
The prime minister said Mr. Obama, America's first black president, had triumphed because he embodied the same values as Labour. "In electing Barack Obama, America has proved that it is a nation eager for change. And because my party shares many of the same policies it shows that we, too, are eager for change.”
But twinkle-eyed Tory leader Dave Cameron accused Mr Brown of offering more of the same. “How can the prime minister offer a real change, when by his own admission he and Mr. Obama are the same?” He also taunted Mr Brown over his recent claim that "this was no time for a novice".
And as the debate raged on, Mr. Brown hit back. “Just like Mr. Obama, I am new to leading a country in such difficult times. So we both have much in common, are both the same in offering real change - and I very much look forward to working with him,” he thundered to the approval of Labour backbenchers, many of whom HAD WOKEN UP ESPECIALLY. "Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has consistently opposed Mr Obama's policies to support the US economy."
To snoars of delight from his own backbenchers, Mr. Cameron responded by underlining his own credentials as the man of change. "Rather than accept US proposals, which would have made us the same, we consistently opposed them, which makes us different. We truly are the party of change - the same as we have always been!"
Even though Mr. Obama becomes America’s first black president, sources have confirmed he will live in the White House.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
US08 'won’t get our vote'
Thousands of British voters were left in shock this morning after being told they COULD NOT TAKE PART in the forthcoming US Presidential Elections.
“All I’ve seen on my bloody TV this last year is Obama this, McCain that, and something about Michael Palin shooting a seal. And now I go down to my local polling office and guess what? It’s not even open,” spat out one would-be voter. “Typical,” he added.
Full election coverage of US08 began in early 2007 and the vast majority of BBC journalists have now crossed the Atlantic to follow the candidates’ progress from comfortable hotels in large cities. And a WHOLE HOST of BBC programmes have been recorded in and beamed from the States, including Newsnight and Little Britain, whipping up a frenzy of apathy amongst the British public.
“First we’re told that interest from the electorate has plunged to an all time low,” one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. “Yet now we have Joe Public lifting himself – or herself – off the sofa to have his – or her – say only to be told he – or she – can’t vote in the first place. I don’t know what BBC bosses are thinking of, but now really is time for change.”
The US President is the most powerful man in the world, yet also one of the least popular.
“All I’ve seen on my bloody TV this last year is Obama this, McCain that, and something about Michael Palin shooting a seal. And now I go down to my local polling office and guess what? It’s not even open,” spat out one would-be voter. “Typical,” he added.
Full election coverage of US08 began in early 2007 and the vast majority of BBC journalists have now crossed the Atlantic to follow the candidates’ progress from comfortable hotels in large cities. And a WHOLE HOST of BBC programmes have been recorded in and beamed from the States, including Newsnight and Little Britain, whipping up a frenzy of apathy amongst the British public.
“First we’re told that interest from the electorate has plunged to an all time low,” one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. “Yet now we have Joe Public lifting himself – or herself – off the sofa to have his – or her – say only to be told he – or she – can’t vote in the first place. I don’t know what BBC bosses are thinking of, but now really is time for change.”
The US President is the most powerful man in the world, yet also one of the least popular.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Brown: 'Shopping boom or bust'
Large crowds gathered in west London for the opening of Europe's biggest inner-city shopping complex, as Gordon Brown claimed government plans to spend its way out of the looming recession look set to become a STYLISH SUCCESS.
And Mayor Boris Johnson joined in the plaudits, saying that many Londoners had made a "prudent decision to give Thursday morning a miss and come shopping" as he left House of Fraser.
Tory leader David Cameron warned the country was entering the global economic downturn with the highest government deficit in the industrialised world. In exchanges with Mr Brown, he pointed to one economic forecast predicting that total debt this year could hit £64 billion – AFTER the redemption of John Lewis vouchers.
But Chancellor Alistair Darling delivered a stirring message to doubters, including local residents unhappy about the effect the centre on local car parking space. “We’re all in this together, and we all need to play our part. I urge consumers to come along to Westfield and spend like they’ve never spent before. We've bailed out the banks, money is available and interest rates are falling - there's never been a better time to purchase that handbag you've had your eye on,” he told Happy Claptrap. "Or perhaps a new plasma screen TV," he added.
The Westfield Shopping Centre boasts more space than 30 football pitches, although ball games are not permitted.
And Mayor Boris Johnson joined in the plaudits, saying that many Londoners had made a "prudent decision to give Thursday morning a miss and come shopping" as he left House of Fraser.
Tory leader David Cameron warned the country was entering the global economic downturn with the highest government deficit in the industrialised world. In exchanges with Mr Brown, he pointed to one economic forecast predicting that total debt this year could hit £64 billion – AFTER the redemption of John Lewis vouchers.
But Chancellor Alistair Darling delivered a stirring message to doubters, including local residents unhappy about the effect the centre on local car parking space. “We’re all in this together, and we all need to play our part. I urge consumers to come along to Westfield and spend like they’ve never spent before. We've bailed out the banks, money is available and interest rates are falling - there's never been a better time to purchase that handbag you've had your eye on,” he told Happy Claptrap. "Or perhaps a new plasma screen TV," he added.
The Westfield Shopping Centre boasts more space than 30 football pitches, although ball games are not permitted.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Icelanders 'in terror of UK laws'
Icelanders are living in fear over UK reprisals against Reykjavik’s rogue banks who recently attempted the biggest heist in history against British taxpayers, institutions – and EVEN CHARITIES.
And as the Labour government - still smarting from defeat in the cod wars of the 1970s - continues to demand compensation, it could be PAYBACK TIME in the war of words, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
A backlash of escalating resentment has swept across the isolated outpost - culminating in a petition signed by 40,000 shivering locals. And signatories have also uploaded wry photographs of themselves holding up hand-written signs stating: "Mr. Brown, we are not terrorists."
But spy chiefs are said to be studying the pictures for clues which could prove a CHILLING INSIGHT into Iceland’s real intentions.
An unnamed source explained to Happy Claptrap: “Terrorists thrive in a world of secrecy. Individuals intent on the destruction of innocent UK citizens are not going to hold up a sign displaying their true motives. So we cannot dismiss the possibility that this so-called petition may be a bluff as shameless in its audacity as the recent theft of UK funds. Their action has served to strengthen the suspicions of some in Whitehall who shall remain nameless. And faceless.”
Iceland is best known for strange songstress Bjork and getting mixed up with Greenland.
And as the Labour government - still smarting from defeat in the cod wars of the 1970s - continues to demand compensation, it could be PAYBACK TIME in the war of words, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
A backlash of escalating resentment has swept across the isolated outpost - culminating in a petition signed by 40,000 shivering locals. And signatories have also uploaded wry photographs of themselves holding up hand-written signs stating: "Mr. Brown, we are not terrorists."
But spy chiefs are said to be studying the pictures for clues which could prove a CHILLING INSIGHT into Iceland’s real intentions.
An unnamed source explained to Happy Claptrap: “Terrorists thrive in a world of secrecy. Individuals intent on the destruction of innocent UK citizens are not going to hold up a sign displaying their true motives. So we cannot dismiss the possibility that this so-called petition may be a bluff as shameless in its audacity as the recent theft of UK funds. Their action has served to strengthen the suspicions of some in Whitehall who shall remain nameless. And faceless.”
Iceland is best known for strange songstress Bjork and getting mixed up with Greenland.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Barton pledges to ‘support government’
Controversial Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton, 26, has SENSATIONALLY offered his support to the government, Happy Claptrap can exclusively reveal.
With police forces undercounting some of the most serious offences in England and Wales, violent crime figures are down as a result. And as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith came under fire, the tough-tackling jailbird promised to return some of her recent hospitality.
An unnamed source told Happy Claptrap told BBC Sport, “Like all of us, Joey has heard about the fall in violent crime and wants to use his experience to do something about it – starting at Sunderland this Saturday.”
Barton, who has beaten up teammates and strangers alike, is best known for stubbing out his expensive cigar IN A TEENAGER’S FACE – leading to an outcry against his playboy antics. But following a spell behind bars, he hopes to become a role model for youngsters everywhere. “The public needs to be able to trust the authorities, and Joey feels he can start to redeem his past by helping getting those figures back where they belong.”
And Ms Smith launched her own stinging rebuke to critics: "Let's be clear, this isn't crime that wasn't being recorded or wasn't being reported or wasn't being dealt with. It was just being recorded falsely, reported the wrong way and dealt with badly. But the upshot is that, overall, violent crime is down. Probably.”
Policing Minister Vernon Croaker said crime figures could still be trusted, but remained unsure about Joey Barton.
With police forces undercounting some of the most serious offences in England and Wales, violent crime figures are down as a result. And as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith came under fire, the tough-tackling jailbird promised to return some of her recent hospitality.
An unnamed source told Happy Claptrap told BBC Sport, “Like all of us, Joey has heard about the fall in violent crime and wants to use his experience to do something about it – starting at Sunderland this Saturday.”
Barton, who has beaten up teammates and strangers alike, is best known for stubbing out his expensive cigar IN A TEENAGER’S FACE – leading to an outcry against his playboy antics. But following a spell behind bars, he hopes to become a role model for youngsters everywhere. “The public needs to be able to trust the authorities, and Joey feels he can start to redeem his past by helping getting those figures back where they belong.”
And Ms Smith launched her own stinging rebuke to critics: "Let's be clear, this isn't crime that wasn't being recorded or wasn't being reported or wasn't being dealt with. It was just being recorded falsely, reported the wrong way and dealt with badly. But the upshot is that, overall, violent crime is down. Probably.”
Policing Minister Vernon Croaker said crime figures could still be trusted, but remained unsure about Joey Barton.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Bus passengers 'driven around the bend'
Happy Claptrap can today reveal that bendy-buses with the slogan "There's probably no God" could soon be running on the streets of London. The atheist posters are the idea of the British Humanist Association (BHA), supported by prominent god-fearing Professor Richard Dawkins - who nevertheless believes in BLACK HOLES, new dimensions and TIME TRAVEL!
“It’s bad enough they got rid of the bloody conductors. Now there’s no god as well. And to think they want to encourage people to take public transport”, complained one disgruntled passenger bitterly and at length. “I’ve been waiting here for nearly twenty minutes”, she added.
London mayor Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment, but an unnamed source in City Hall revealed, “The mayor has pledged to improve personal safety on London’s buses. More police will be made available to crack down on anti-social elements, but as yet we have no plans to eject supreme beings of any description.
Bendy buses are known to set on fire for no reason and crush unsuspecting cyclists.
“It’s bad enough they got rid of the bloody conductors. Now there’s no god as well. And to think they want to encourage people to take public transport”, complained one disgruntled passenger bitterly and at length. “I’ve been waiting here for nearly twenty minutes”, she added.
London mayor Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment, but an unnamed source in City Hall revealed, “The mayor has pledged to improve personal safety on London’s buses. More police will be made available to crack down on anti-social elements, but as yet we have no plans to eject supreme beings of any description.
Bendy buses are known to set on fire for no reason and crush unsuspecting cyclists.
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