Cameron: 'A butler for every household by 2020'

David Cameron has launched his bid for the party leadership in SPECTACULAR style by promising a butler for every household in Britain by the year 2020. After being asked ‘to speak up a bit’, his IMPASSIONED speech told the party faithful that Tories “need to wake up to the twentieth-century and stop living in the past.”

“Right now, the Tories are perceived as caring for the well-off, not the have-nots," one anonymous Conservative MP told Happy Claptrap. “David can change all that. He strongly believes that he can prove that conservatives are comfortable with modern Britain – and he wants modern Britain to be comfortable with the Conservative party.”

Unfurling the banner of modernisation puts Mr.Cameron directly in the firing line of grass roots’ favourite David Davies. Mr. Davies will set out to establish his leadership credentials later today, when he is expected to outline his vision of war with Germany as the centrepiece of Tory policy.

The Conservatives have suffered three successive general election defeats at the hands of Labour.