Bald people stand to lose more than just their hair as the national ID Card Bill descends into farce, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
Technological difficulties mean they may also lose their IDENTITY should the looney legislation pass through parliament. Secret studies have shown that the follically-challenged risk being identified as somebody else OR NOT AT ALL – meaning many would cease to exist.
“It’s all very complicated, but essentially the problem arises when light reflects from a polished pate resulting in a poor quality scan,” one anonymous scientist told Happy Claptrap.
But a spokesman for bald people felt that the study wasn’t all bad news for baldies.
“Without an identity, identity theft would become a thing of the past for many bald men. On top of that, if we cease to officially exist our privacy would be protected so it’s goodbye to piles of unwanted post and nuisance phone calls.”
Famous bald people include Kojak, Yul Brynner and the singer from Hot Chocolate.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Bird flu ‘could infect blokes’
Bird flu could affect men AS WELL AS women, Happy Claptrap can reveal in a sensational world exclusive. And EU states have been urged to stockpile twice as many anti-viral drugs following confirmation that the virulent virus is dangerous to BOTH SEXES.
News that the ‘bug with a beak’ could potentially claim TWICE THE NUMBER of victims worldwide has led to predictions warning of up to 250 million fatalities. And all governmental, military, financial and football institutions could be in danger of COMPLETE COLLAPSE.
According to one anonymous source, the result “would not be dissimilar to nuclear war and could possibly mean the end of western civilisation as we know it.”
Bird flu was originally thought to pose a danger only to women, especially those following alternative, so-called healthy lifestyles that include eating nuts, seeds and berries. UK divorces have shot up as birth rates plummet in the wake of government advice earlier in the year to stay away from close contact with birds.
News that the ‘bug with a beak’ could potentially claim TWICE THE NUMBER of victims worldwide has led to predictions warning of up to 250 million fatalities. And all governmental, military, financial and football institutions could be in danger of COMPLETE COLLAPSE.
According to one anonymous source, the result “would not be dissimilar to nuclear war and could possibly mean the end of western civilisation as we know it.”
Bird flu was originally thought to pose a danger only to women, especially those following alternative, so-called healthy lifestyles that include eating nuts, seeds and berries. UK divorces have shot up as birth rates plummet in the wake of government advice earlier in the year to stay away from close contact with birds.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Politicians prepare to 'steal votes'
Party leaders have begun to stake their criminal credentials in the clamour to steal the prison vote, Happy Claptrap can exclusively reveal. And in the wake of the European Court’s no-no to the prison vote veto, Westminster’s criminal fraternity is finding itself back in fashion.
Labour liability Mike Watson, who was jailed for 16 months and stripped of his party membership for ARSON last month, was yesterday reinstated by Tony Blair. And deputy PM John Prescott has been urged to “HIT MORE HECKLERS” by his boss.
The Tory party, meanwhile, are expected to nominate a Jeffrey Archer/Jonathan Aitkin dream ticket of disgrace for the upcoming leadership election. Both have served time for perjury and perverting the course of justice and have built extensive networks of support within the prison system.
And clean-living Charles Kennedy is expected to announce a SENSATIONAL policy U-turn by declaring his party’s “unequivocal support” for the invasion of Iraq.
Labour liability Mike Watson, who was jailed for 16 months and stripped of his party membership for ARSON last month, was yesterday reinstated by Tony Blair. And deputy PM John Prescott has been urged to “HIT MORE HECKLERS” by his boss.
The Tory party, meanwhile, are expected to nominate a Jeffrey Archer/Jonathan Aitkin dream ticket of disgrace for the upcoming leadership election. Both have served time for perjury and perverting the course of justice and have built extensive networks of support within the prison system.
And clean-living Charles Kennedy is expected to announce a SENSATIONAL policy U-turn by declaring his party’s “unequivocal support” for the invasion of Iraq.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Davies challenges Cameron ‘to a fight’.
Front runner David Davis has made his pitch for the Tory leadership by issuing a defiant battle cry to surprise package David Cameron. Claiming the Tories CAN win the next election under his control, Mr. Davis went on to challenge Mr. Cameron to “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”
Mr. Davis had widely been expected to launch an attack on prime minister Tony Blair and his neighbour, Gordon Brown. But seeing young Turk Cameron enter the fray with a hugely popular speech, Davies shifted his attack to undermine his rival as a serious contender.
And after accusing Cameron of believing “the whole world is in love with him,” Davis continued, ‘Well I have three little words to say to you, Master David Cameron. Outside. Carpark. Now.”
As Mr. Davis was dragged from the auditorium, a fierce debate had already got underway with stunned delegates pointing out that car park is actually two separate words.
Mr. Davis had widely been expected to launch an attack on prime minister Tony Blair and his neighbour, Gordon Brown. But seeing young Turk Cameron enter the fray with a hugely popular speech, Davies shifted his attack to undermine his rival as a serious contender.
And after accusing Cameron of believing “the whole world is in love with him,” Davis continued, ‘Well I have three little words to say to you, Master David Cameron. Outside. Carpark. Now.”
As Mr. Davis was dragged from the auditorium, a fierce debate had already got underway with stunned delegates pointing out that car park is actually two separate words.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Cameron: 'A butler for every household by 2020'
David Cameron has launched his bid for the party leadership in SPECTACULAR style by promising a butler for every household in Britain by the year 2020. After being asked ‘to speak up a bit’, his IMPASSIONED speech told the party faithful that Tories “need to wake up to the twentieth-century and stop living in the past.”
“Right now, the Tories are perceived as caring for the well-off, not the have-nots," one anonymous Conservative MP told Happy Claptrap. “David can change all that. He strongly believes that he can prove that conservatives are comfortable with modern Britain – and he wants modern Britain to be comfortable with the Conservative party.”
Unfurling the banner of modernisation puts Mr.Cameron directly in the firing line of grass roots’ favourite David Davies. Mr. Davies will set out to establish his leadership credentials later today, when he is expected to outline his vision of war with Germany as the centrepiece of Tory policy.
The Conservatives have suffered three successive general election defeats at the hands of Labour.
“Right now, the Tories are perceived as caring for the well-off, not the have-nots," one anonymous Conservative MP told Happy Claptrap. “David can change all that. He strongly believes that he can prove that conservatives are comfortable with modern Britain – and he wants modern Britain to be comfortable with the Conservative party.”
Unfurling the banner of modernisation puts Mr.Cameron directly in the firing line of grass roots’ favourite David Davies. Mr. Davies will set out to establish his leadership credentials later today, when he is expected to outline his vision of war with Germany as the centrepiece of Tory policy.
The Conservatives have suffered three successive general election defeats at the hands of Labour.
Monday, October 03, 2005
'Sudoku Rage' on increase
The number of violent incidents associated with popular puzzle Su-doku has ROCKETED over the last 12 months, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
Dubbed ‘the crossword for people who can’t spell’, Su-du-ku requires little or no vocabulary and has proved a hit amongst accountants and illegal immigrants alike.
“At first glance, Sod-oko appears to be the perfect past time for many groups of people,” one psychologist told Happy Claptrap in the early hours of this morning. “Just fill in a few empty boxes and hey presto, you’re a genius. You don’t even have to count to ten, for goodness’ sake.”
This self-satisfaction soon leads to FRUSTRATION, however, as players start getting stumped - often with CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.
“We’ve had dozens of biro stabbings this week alone,” reported one anonymous but shaken London Underground worker. “Lead poisoning is a constant threat and paper cuts are going on all the time. We don’t know where it’s going to end.”
Dubbed ‘the crossword for people who can’t spell’, Su-du-ku requires little or no vocabulary and has proved a hit amongst accountants and illegal immigrants alike.
“At first glance, Sod-oko appears to be the perfect past time for many groups of people,” one psychologist told Happy Claptrap in the early hours of this morning. “Just fill in a few empty boxes and hey presto, you’re a genius. You don’t even have to count to ten, for goodness’ sake.”
This self-satisfaction soon leads to FRUSTRATION, however, as players start getting stumped - often with CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.
“We’ve had dozens of biro stabbings this week alone,” reported one anonymous but shaken London Underground worker. “Lead poisoning is a constant threat and paper cuts are going on all the time. We don’t know where it’s going to end.”
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