British police will investigate reports that a contestant on controversial reality TV show Lost took illegal drugs, an unnamed source exclusively revealed to Happy Claptrap.
And as Channel 4 bosses came under heavy fire, the UK's top police chief SENSATIONALLY backed the decision to investigate the claims, citing the possible impact of such behaviour on "impressionable young people".
Footage beamed into front rooms all over the UK showed a DRUG CRAZED Charlie participating in DEBAUCHED drugs and drink sessions, THREATENING people for his stash and RIFLING through luggage in a desperate bid to fund his habit.
The show, which involves contestants being marooned on a luxury desert island, has already suffered a barrage of criticism from animal rights activists after the cold-blooded GUNNING DOWN of a polar bear. The RSPCA is also said to be deeply concerned for the welfare of Vincent, a golden retriever allowed to wander off into a jungle inhabited by invisible dinosaurs.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Britain ‘to overtake North Korea’ in secrecy rankings
Classified new plans to protect secrets were not revealed by an unnamed government source to Happy Claptrap today. The proposals, which would have been formulated at a private meeting between unnamed members of the cabinet and security services, might have been the result of a study into mainland security by Home Secretary Charles Clarke.
Cuddly Mr. Clarke REFUSED to answer questions on the alleged plans, FUELLING SPECULATION that Britain is on the verge of replacing North Korea as the most secret nation on earth.
Paranoid president Kim Il Jong has led his nation to what many consider an unassailable lead at the top of the top secret tree. Mr.Clarke is, however, known to have set his sights on overtaking his obscurity-obsessed opponents in what would be an AMAZING turnaround for a country once known throughout the world as enjoying nothing more than “a nice chat over a good cup of tea.”
Cuddly Mr. Clarke REFUSED to answer questions on the alleged plans, FUELLING SPECULATION that Britain is on the verge of replacing North Korea as the most secret nation on earth.
Paranoid president Kim Il Jong has led his nation to what many consider an unassailable lead at the top of the top secret tree. Mr.Clarke is, however, known to have set his sights on overtaking his obscurity-obsessed opponents in what would be an AMAZING turnaround for a country once known throughout the world as enjoying nothing more than “a nice chat over a good cup of tea.”
Friday, September 23, 2005
Exclusive: Arnie could be the next Adolf
Arnold Schwarzenneger is in line to become the first Austrian since ADOLF HITLER to lead a Superpower, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
Current legislation prevents Mr. Schwarzenegger, the governor of California, Los Angeles, from EVER becoming president as he ‘was born thousands of miles away, the chump.’ But senior Republican officials see him as George Bush’s natural successor and plans are already being set in motion to change the law in time for the Oscar Awards 2006.
“Arnie is a big vote winner and the people love him,” one unnamed Hollywood mogul told Happy Claptrap whilst puffing furiously of a large cigar. “Imagine ‘Termintor 4: The War on Terror.’ What a film!”
Current legislation prevents Mr. Schwarzenegger, the governor of California, Los Angeles, from EVER becoming president as he ‘was born thousands of miles away, the chump.’ But senior Republican officials see him as George Bush’s natural successor and plans are already being set in motion to change the law in time for the Oscar Awards 2006.
“Arnie is a big vote winner and the people love him,” one unnamed Hollywood mogul told Happy Claptrap whilst puffing furiously of a large cigar. “Imagine ‘Termintor 4: The War on Terror.’ What a film!”
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Sven in frame as Tory leadership battle kicks off
SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON was last night seen leaving Tory HQ, fuelling speculation that he is set to SENSATIONALLY quit England to become the next leader of the opposition.
Mr. Eriksson, who enjoyed several affairs whilst leading the national side to Euro 2004, is being increasingly seen as the man to put the Tories back in touch with the British public.
“Sven is a charming, intelligent and attractive man. He be ideally positioned win over the swinging female vote which accounts for up to 50% of the electorate”, one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap.
“Add on any football supporters who are not in prison on polling day and it’s clear that he would give the Conservative Party a clear majority in the next election,” he added.
Tory top brass are known to be keen admirers of the sordid Swede ever since England’s 5-1 thumping of the Germans – ON THEIR OWN SOIL.
Mr. Eriksson, who enjoyed several affairs whilst leading the national side to Euro 2004, is being increasingly seen as the man to put the Tories back in touch with the British public.
“Sven is a charming, intelligent and attractive man. He be ideally positioned win over the swinging female vote which accounts for up to 50% of the electorate”, one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap.
“Add on any football supporters who are not in prison on polling day and it’s clear that he would give the Conservative Party a clear majority in the next election,” he added.
Tory top brass are known to be keen admirers of the sordid Swede ever since England’s 5-1 thumping of the Germans – ON THEIR OWN SOIL.
Eurocrats ‘wage war’ on Eurobrats
Teenagers are to be made ILLEGAL under new Euro measures to curb the rise in slouching, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
The proposals are also set to prohibit the wearing of “exposed undergarments”, “prison-white” trainers and “unfocused, churlish” expressions by any member of the community. They were immediately condemned as “f***ing rubbish” by a spokesman for UK teenagers at a press conference outside the MacDonald’s on Stevenage High Street.
However, incidents of slouching and general slothfulness are on the increase. National leaders recently issued a joint statement expressing concern at teenagers flooding onto the streets to STAND AROUND IDLY, SIT ON BENCHES, or RIDE VERY SMALL BIKES.
An independent survey commissioned by the European Council was shocked by findings that show the ‘seat of jean differential’ has continued to plummet, reaching the back of the knees and provoking calls for immediate action.
Parental groups are thought to welcome the move, with an unnamed Swedish father of two teenage children giving a typical reaction.
“My kids won’t talk to me, in fact they hate my guts. Even so, they eat my food, take my money and even steal my drugs. Good f*****g riddance, I say.”
Last night, police forces across 94 countries began rounding up known teenagers with burger restaurants, street corners and small, poorly-lit parks all eerily deserted.
The proposals are also set to prohibit the wearing of “exposed undergarments”, “prison-white” trainers and “unfocused, churlish” expressions by any member of the community. They were immediately condemned as “f***ing rubbish” by a spokesman for UK teenagers at a press conference outside the MacDonald’s on Stevenage High Street.
However, incidents of slouching and general slothfulness are on the increase. National leaders recently issued a joint statement expressing concern at teenagers flooding onto the streets to STAND AROUND IDLY, SIT ON BENCHES, or RIDE VERY SMALL BIKES.
An independent survey commissioned by the European Council was shocked by findings that show the ‘seat of jean differential’ has continued to plummet, reaching the back of the knees and provoking calls for immediate action.
Parental groups are thought to welcome the move, with an unnamed Swedish father of two teenage children giving a typical reaction.
“My kids won’t talk to me, in fact they hate my guts. Even so, they eat my food, take my money and even steal my drugs. Good f*****g riddance, I say.”
Last night, police forces across 94 countries began rounding up known teenagers with burger restaurants, street corners and small, poorly-lit parks all eerily deserted.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Blair announces ‘Big Brother’ elections
ASTONISHING proposals to revive flagging interest in the electoral process have been disclosed to selected members of the press, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
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