Top secret reports set out US government plans to launch the first man INTO CYBERSPACE, Happy Claptrap can reveal in an exclusive scoop.
As the world’s only online superpower, the US is responsible for policing web sites all over the globe, but troop commitments in Afghanistan and Iraq have stretched forces to BREAKING POINT.
“We can’t send in a battalion of Marines every time we find a site showing you how to make a bomb out of camel dung and dates in some flea-ridden sand hole in the middle of nowhere,” revealed one anonymous military source. “Sending men online, however, would allow us to close down these mothers with no collateral damage whatsoever,” he continued somewhat heatedly.
Happy Claptrap believes that the new technology works by DOWNLOADING THE BRAIN, converting it to an electronic file and then attaching it to an image of a muscular cartoon figure. The image would then be emailed to the offending site to “unleash hell”.
NASA yesterday slammed the claim as “a freakin’ joke, you Limey mutts”.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
ID Cards: the bald facts
Bald people stand to lose more than just their hair as the national ID Card Bill descends into farce, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
Technological difficulties mean they may also lose their IDENTITY should the looney legislation pass through parliament. Secret studies have shown that the follically-challenged risk being identified as somebody else OR NOT AT ALL – meaning many would cease to exist.
“It’s all very complicated, but essentially the problem arises when light reflects from a polished pate resulting in a poor quality scan,” one anonymous scientist told Happy Claptrap.
But a spokesman for bald people felt that the study wasn’t all bad news for baldies.
“Without an identity, identity theft would become a thing of the past for many bald men. On top of that, if we cease to officially exist our privacy would be protected so it’s goodbye to piles of unwanted post and nuisance phone calls.”
Famous bald people include Kojak, Yul Brynner and the singer from Hot Chocolate.
Technological difficulties mean they may also lose their IDENTITY should the looney legislation pass through parliament. Secret studies have shown that the follically-challenged risk being identified as somebody else OR NOT AT ALL – meaning many would cease to exist.
“It’s all very complicated, but essentially the problem arises when light reflects from a polished pate resulting in a poor quality scan,” one anonymous scientist told Happy Claptrap.
But a spokesman for bald people felt that the study wasn’t all bad news for baldies.
“Without an identity, identity theft would become a thing of the past for many bald men. On top of that, if we cease to officially exist our privacy would be protected so it’s goodbye to piles of unwanted post and nuisance phone calls.”
Famous bald people include Kojak, Yul Brynner and the singer from Hot Chocolate.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Bird flu ‘could infect blokes’
Bird flu could affect men AS WELL AS women, Happy Claptrap can reveal in a sensational world exclusive. And EU states have been urged to stockpile twice as many anti-viral drugs following confirmation that the virulent virus is dangerous to BOTH SEXES.
News that the ‘bug with a beak’ could potentially claim TWICE THE NUMBER of victims worldwide has led to predictions warning of up to 250 million fatalities. And all governmental, military, financial and football institutions could be in danger of COMPLETE COLLAPSE.
According to one anonymous source, the result “would not be dissimilar to nuclear war and could possibly mean the end of western civilisation as we know it.”
Bird flu was originally thought to pose a danger only to women, especially those following alternative, so-called healthy lifestyles that include eating nuts, seeds and berries. UK divorces have shot up as birth rates plummet in the wake of government advice earlier in the year to stay away from close contact with birds.
News that the ‘bug with a beak’ could potentially claim TWICE THE NUMBER of victims worldwide has led to predictions warning of up to 250 million fatalities. And all governmental, military, financial and football institutions could be in danger of COMPLETE COLLAPSE.
According to one anonymous source, the result “would not be dissimilar to nuclear war and could possibly mean the end of western civilisation as we know it.”
Bird flu was originally thought to pose a danger only to women, especially those following alternative, so-called healthy lifestyles that include eating nuts, seeds and berries. UK divorces have shot up as birth rates plummet in the wake of government advice earlier in the year to stay away from close contact with birds.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Politicians prepare to 'steal votes'
Party leaders have begun to stake their criminal credentials in the clamour to steal the prison vote, Happy Claptrap can exclusively reveal. And in the wake of the European Court’s no-no to the prison vote veto, Westminster’s criminal fraternity is finding itself back in fashion.
Labour liability Mike Watson, who was jailed for 16 months and stripped of his party membership for ARSON last month, was yesterday reinstated by Tony Blair. And deputy PM John Prescott has been urged to “HIT MORE HECKLERS” by his boss.
The Tory party, meanwhile, are expected to nominate a Jeffrey Archer/Jonathan Aitkin dream ticket of disgrace for the upcoming leadership election. Both have served time for perjury and perverting the course of justice and have built extensive networks of support within the prison system.
And clean-living Charles Kennedy is expected to announce a SENSATIONAL policy U-turn by declaring his party’s “unequivocal support” for the invasion of Iraq.
Labour liability Mike Watson, who was jailed for 16 months and stripped of his party membership for ARSON last month, was yesterday reinstated by Tony Blair. And deputy PM John Prescott has been urged to “HIT MORE HECKLERS” by his boss.
The Tory party, meanwhile, are expected to nominate a Jeffrey Archer/Jonathan Aitkin dream ticket of disgrace for the upcoming leadership election. Both have served time for perjury and perverting the course of justice and have built extensive networks of support within the prison system.
And clean-living Charles Kennedy is expected to announce a SENSATIONAL policy U-turn by declaring his party’s “unequivocal support” for the invasion of Iraq.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Davies challenges Cameron ‘to a fight’.
Front runner David Davis has made his pitch for the Tory leadership by issuing a defiant battle cry to surprise package David Cameron. Claiming the Tories CAN win the next election under his control, Mr. Davis went on to challenge Mr. Cameron to “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”
Mr. Davis had widely been expected to launch an attack on prime minister Tony Blair and his neighbour, Gordon Brown. But seeing young Turk Cameron enter the fray with a hugely popular speech, Davies shifted his attack to undermine his rival as a serious contender.
And after accusing Cameron of believing “the whole world is in love with him,” Davis continued, ‘Well I have three little words to say to you, Master David Cameron. Outside. Carpark. Now.”
As Mr. Davis was dragged from the auditorium, a fierce debate had already got underway with stunned delegates pointing out that car park is actually two separate words.
Mr. Davis had widely been expected to launch an attack on prime minister Tony Blair and his neighbour, Gordon Brown. But seeing young Turk Cameron enter the fray with a hugely popular speech, Davies shifted his attack to undermine his rival as a serious contender.
And after accusing Cameron of believing “the whole world is in love with him,” Davis continued, ‘Well I have three little words to say to you, Master David Cameron. Outside. Carpark. Now.”
As Mr. Davis was dragged from the auditorium, a fierce debate had already got underway with stunned delegates pointing out that car park is actually two separate words.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Cameron: 'A butler for every household by 2020'
David Cameron has launched his bid for the party leadership in SPECTACULAR style by promising a butler for every household in Britain by the year 2020. After being asked ‘to speak up a bit’, his IMPASSIONED speech told the party faithful that Tories “need to wake up to the twentieth-century and stop living in the past.”
“Right now, the Tories are perceived as caring for the well-off, not the have-nots," one anonymous Conservative MP told Happy Claptrap. “David can change all that. He strongly believes that he can prove that conservatives are comfortable with modern Britain – and he wants modern Britain to be comfortable with the Conservative party.”
Unfurling the banner of modernisation puts Mr.Cameron directly in the firing line of grass roots’ favourite David Davies. Mr. Davies will set out to establish his leadership credentials later today, when he is expected to outline his vision of war with Germany as the centrepiece of Tory policy.
The Conservatives have suffered three successive general election defeats at the hands of Labour.
“Right now, the Tories are perceived as caring for the well-off, not the have-nots," one anonymous Conservative MP told Happy Claptrap. “David can change all that. He strongly believes that he can prove that conservatives are comfortable with modern Britain – and he wants modern Britain to be comfortable with the Conservative party.”
Unfurling the banner of modernisation puts Mr.Cameron directly in the firing line of grass roots’ favourite David Davies. Mr. Davies will set out to establish his leadership credentials later today, when he is expected to outline his vision of war with Germany as the centrepiece of Tory policy.
The Conservatives have suffered three successive general election defeats at the hands of Labour.
Monday, October 03, 2005
'Sudoku Rage' on increase
The number of violent incidents associated with popular puzzle Su-doku has ROCKETED over the last 12 months, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
Dubbed ‘the crossword for people who can’t spell’, Su-du-ku requires little or no vocabulary and has proved a hit amongst accountants and illegal immigrants alike.
“At first glance, Sod-oko appears to be the perfect past time for many groups of people,” one psychologist told Happy Claptrap in the early hours of this morning. “Just fill in a few empty boxes and hey presto, you’re a genius. You don’t even have to count to ten, for goodness’ sake.”
This self-satisfaction soon leads to FRUSTRATION, however, as players start getting stumped - often with CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.
“We’ve had dozens of biro stabbings this week alone,” reported one anonymous but shaken London Underground worker. “Lead poisoning is a constant threat and paper cuts are going on all the time. We don’t know where it’s going to end.”
Dubbed ‘the crossword for people who can’t spell’, Su-du-ku requires little or no vocabulary and has proved a hit amongst accountants and illegal immigrants alike.
“At first glance, Sod-oko appears to be the perfect past time for many groups of people,” one psychologist told Happy Claptrap in the early hours of this morning. “Just fill in a few empty boxes and hey presto, you’re a genius. You don’t even have to count to ten, for goodness’ sake.”
This self-satisfaction soon leads to FRUSTRATION, however, as players start getting stumped - often with CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.
“We’ve had dozens of biro stabbings this week alone,” reported one anonymous but shaken London Underground worker. “Lead poisoning is a constant threat and paper cuts are going on all the time. We don’t know where it’s going to end.”
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Lost Charlie loses the plot
British police will investigate reports that a contestant on controversial reality TV show Lost took illegal drugs, an unnamed source exclusively revealed to Happy Claptrap.
And as Channel 4 bosses came under heavy fire, the UK's top police chief SENSATIONALLY backed the decision to investigate the claims, citing the possible impact of such behaviour on "impressionable young people".
Footage beamed into front rooms all over the UK showed a DRUG CRAZED Charlie participating in DEBAUCHED drugs and drink sessions, THREATENING people for his stash and RIFLING through luggage in a desperate bid to fund his habit.
The show, which involves contestants being marooned on a luxury desert island, has already suffered a barrage of criticism from animal rights activists after the cold-blooded GUNNING DOWN of a polar bear. The RSPCA is also said to be deeply concerned for the welfare of Vincent, a golden retriever allowed to wander off into a jungle inhabited by invisible dinosaurs.
And as Channel 4 bosses came under heavy fire, the UK's top police chief SENSATIONALLY backed the decision to investigate the claims, citing the possible impact of such behaviour on "impressionable young people".
Footage beamed into front rooms all over the UK showed a DRUG CRAZED Charlie participating in DEBAUCHED drugs and drink sessions, THREATENING people for his stash and RIFLING through luggage in a desperate bid to fund his habit.
The show, which involves contestants being marooned on a luxury desert island, has already suffered a barrage of criticism from animal rights activists after the cold-blooded GUNNING DOWN of a polar bear. The RSPCA is also said to be deeply concerned for the welfare of Vincent, a golden retriever allowed to wander off into a jungle inhabited by invisible dinosaurs.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Britain ‘to overtake North Korea’ in secrecy rankings
Classified new plans to protect secrets were not revealed by an unnamed government source to Happy Claptrap today. The proposals, which would have been formulated at a private meeting between unnamed members of the cabinet and security services, might have been the result of a study into mainland security by Home Secretary Charles Clarke.
Cuddly Mr. Clarke REFUSED to answer questions on the alleged plans, FUELLING SPECULATION that Britain is on the verge of replacing North Korea as the most secret nation on earth.
Paranoid president Kim Il Jong has led his nation to what many consider an unassailable lead at the top of the top secret tree. Mr.Clarke is, however, known to have set his sights on overtaking his obscurity-obsessed opponents in what would be an AMAZING turnaround for a country once known throughout the world as enjoying nothing more than “a nice chat over a good cup of tea.”
Cuddly Mr. Clarke REFUSED to answer questions on the alleged plans, FUELLING SPECULATION that Britain is on the verge of replacing North Korea as the most secret nation on earth.
Paranoid president Kim Il Jong has led his nation to what many consider an unassailable lead at the top of the top secret tree. Mr.Clarke is, however, known to have set his sights on overtaking his obscurity-obsessed opponents in what would be an AMAZING turnaround for a country once known throughout the world as enjoying nothing more than “a nice chat over a good cup of tea.”
Friday, September 23, 2005
Exclusive: Arnie could be the next Adolf
Arnold Schwarzenneger is in line to become the first Austrian since ADOLF HITLER to lead a Superpower, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
Current legislation prevents Mr. Schwarzenegger, the governor of California, Los Angeles, from EVER becoming president as he ‘was born thousands of miles away, the chump.’ But senior Republican officials see him as George Bush’s natural successor and plans are already being set in motion to change the law in time for the Oscar Awards 2006.
“Arnie is a big vote winner and the people love him,” one unnamed Hollywood mogul told Happy Claptrap whilst puffing furiously of a large cigar. “Imagine ‘Termintor 4: The War on Terror.’ What a film!”
Current legislation prevents Mr. Schwarzenegger, the governor of California, Los Angeles, from EVER becoming president as he ‘was born thousands of miles away, the chump.’ But senior Republican officials see him as George Bush’s natural successor and plans are already being set in motion to change the law in time for the Oscar Awards 2006.
“Arnie is a big vote winner and the people love him,” one unnamed Hollywood mogul told Happy Claptrap whilst puffing furiously of a large cigar. “Imagine ‘Termintor 4: The War on Terror.’ What a film!”
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Sven in frame as Tory leadership battle kicks off
SVEN GORAN ERIKSSON was last night seen leaving Tory HQ, fuelling speculation that he is set to SENSATIONALLY quit England to become the next leader of the opposition.
Mr. Eriksson, who enjoyed several affairs whilst leading the national side to Euro 2004, is being increasingly seen as the man to put the Tories back in touch with the British public.
“Sven is a charming, intelligent and attractive man. He be ideally positioned win over the swinging female vote which accounts for up to 50% of the electorate”, one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap.
“Add on any football supporters who are not in prison on polling day and it’s clear that he would give the Conservative Party a clear majority in the next election,” he added.
Tory top brass are known to be keen admirers of the sordid Swede ever since England’s 5-1 thumping of the Germans – ON THEIR OWN SOIL.
Mr. Eriksson, who enjoyed several affairs whilst leading the national side to Euro 2004, is being increasingly seen as the man to put the Tories back in touch with the British public.
“Sven is a charming, intelligent and attractive man. He be ideally positioned win over the swinging female vote which accounts for up to 50% of the electorate”, one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap.
“Add on any football supporters who are not in prison on polling day and it’s clear that he would give the Conservative Party a clear majority in the next election,” he added.
Tory top brass are known to be keen admirers of the sordid Swede ever since England’s 5-1 thumping of the Germans – ON THEIR OWN SOIL.
Eurocrats ‘wage war’ on Eurobrats
Teenagers are to be made ILLEGAL under new Euro measures to curb the rise in slouching, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
The proposals are also set to prohibit the wearing of “exposed undergarments”, “prison-white” trainers and “unfocused, churlish” expressions by any member of the community. They were immediately condemned as “f***ing rubbish” by a spokesman for UK teenagers at a press conference outside the MacDonald’s on Stevenage High Street.
However, incidents of slouching and general slothfulness are on the increase. National leaders recently issued a joint statement expressing concern at teenagers flooding onto the streets to STAND AROUND IDLY, SIT ON BENCHES, or RIDE VERY SMALL BIKES.
An independent survey commissioned by the European Council was shocked by findings that show the ‘seat of jean differential’ has continued to plummet, reaching the back of the knees and provoking calls for immediate action.
Parental groups are thought to welcome the move, with an unnamed Swedish father of two teenage children giving a typical reaction.
“My kids won’t talk to me, in fact they hate my guts. Even so, they eat my food, take my money and even steal my drugs. Good f*****g riddance, I say.”
Last night, police forces across 94 countries began rounding up known teenagers with burger restaurants, street corners and small, poorly-lit parks all eerily deserted.
The proposals are also set to prohibit the wearing of “exposed undergarments”, “prison-white” trainers and “unfocused, churlish” expressions by any member of the community. They were immediately condemned as “f***ing rubbish” by a spokesman for UK teenagers at a press conference outside the MacDonald’s on Stevenage High Street.
However, incidents of slouching and general slothfulness are on the increase. National leaders recently issued a joint statement expressing concern at teenagers flooding onto the streets to STAND AROUND IDLY, SIT ON BENCHES, or RIDE VERY SMALL BIKES.
An independent survey commissioned by the European Council was shocked by findings that show the ‘seat of jean differential’ has continued to plummet, reaching the back of the knees and provoking calls for immediate action.
Parental groups are thought to welcome the move, with an unnamed Swedish father of two teenage children giving a typical reaction.
“My kids won’t talk to me, in fact they hate my guts. Even so, they eat my food, take my money and even steal my drugs. Good f*****g riddance, I say.”
Last night, police forces across 94 countries began rounding up known teenagers with burger restaurants, street corners and small, poorly-lit parks all eerily deserted.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Blair announces ‘Big Brother’ elections
ASTONISHING proposals to revive flagging interest in the electoral process have been disclosed to selected members of the press, Happy Claptrap can reveal.
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