Cameron “locked in secret talks with Liverpool”

Liverpool are set to make a SENSATIONAL SWOOP for Tory boss David Cameron, Happy Claptrap can reveal in a world exclusive. And should the Lib-Lab “Coalition of the Losers” go ahead, it is understood a disillusioned Dave would accept the offer, said to be in the region of £5 million a season.

"If true, this is a role that could potentially reinvigorate Mr. Cameron,” one unnamed source disclosed.

“The challenge of leading Liverpool FC would in fact have much in common with the challenge of leading Britain as a whole. Mountainous debt, an immigration policy in tatters and a club on the edge, but not in the heart, of Europe – this would tick all the right boxes.”

And the reaction of supporters in a staunch Labour stronghold is unlikely to prove a stumbling block to any deal.

“Just because the majority of an electorate votes in a certain way doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the party they are going to get. Yes, Liverpool is a safe Labour seat. But if a Tory were to take his place of the front bench at Anfield, it would only reflect the undercurrent of change currently transforming British politics.”

If appointed it is believed he will bring his own backroom staff, with William Hague as his number two.

Happy Claptrap was the first to ask this morning if Mr. Cameron is using ongoing talks with Liberal leader Nick Clegg as a smokescreen for secret discussions about his future in football, but he refused to comment.

Brown ‘erupts’ as Icelanders threaten economy once more

Gordon Brown has FURIOUSLY LASHED OUT at hapless Iceland this evening after volcanic ash ground UK air traffic to a halt for yet another day, threatening Britain’s fragile economy for the second time in as many years.

And as the prime minister attempts to position himself as an experienced leader ahead of the next election debate, he is widely expected to demand billions of pounds in compensation from the exploding outcrop he branded a terrorist state just 18 months ago, Happy Claptrap can disclose.

“First their banks brought our economy crashing down to earth and now it seems they want to bury us into the bargain,” thundered Brown  as thousands of stranded UK travellers face at least one more day of misery. “Well, I give you a personal guarantee this will not be allowed to happen under a Labour government.”

“Reykjavik has refused to pay back the huge sums defrauded from the British taxpayer,” explained an unnamed source close to number 10. “Now, to add insult to injury, it does rather seem as if they have farted into our collective face.”

But  Icelandic President Olaf Ragnar Grimsson hit back at the claims, declaring it “ludicrous to suggest the volcano was a terrorist act committed against the British people.”

Have-a-go hero "bottles it"

As the Conservative Party demands new plans to protect people who tackle burglars, another intruder has been VICIOUSLY ATTACKED as he attempted to break into a family home on Christmas Eve. But this time, the 'have-a-go hero' didn't have things all his own way.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Happy Claptrap, the shaken householder explained how he was woken up by suspicious noises on the roof.

“It sounded like someone laughing quite loudly, so I assumed they’d just had one Christmas spirit too many. But when I heard a commotion in the lounge downstairs I immediately feared for the safety of my kids - and that was when I lost control.”

The man, who asked not be named, crept downstairs to discover the intruder JAMMED IN THE CHIMNEY trying FRANTICALLY to free himself.

“That was when I just flipped,” the man told. “I saw this pair of boots kicking in the air, grabbed the first thing that came to hand and started to bash his legs with an empty bottle of brandy that was lying there.”

He then pulled the intruder down and “went bloody berserk.”

The burglar, who was clutching a big bag of booty presumably from A SERIES OF RAIDS IN THE AREA, managed to crawl out of the house before being rescued by an accomplice and making his escape – apparently into thin air.

“He kept shouting ‘Rudy, Rudy, what the hell are you doing you useless sod!’ Then I heard someone rush up behind me, but before I could turn around they bashed me over the head and that was all I remember until my wife found me outside this morning, still clutching the empty bottle. They even took all the presents I’d been out to buy earlier on, so the kids have got nowt to open again. I feel terrible and my head’s killing.”

But rather than praising the bravery of her husband, the man's wife branded him “a drunken loser and I've just about bloody had enough.”

bin Laden “could go to City”

Osama bin Laden has been SENSATIONALLY sacked as boss of global terror outfit al-Quaeda, Happy Claptrap can reveal today.

And the move comes amid CRISIS TALKS at Manchester City, sparking rumours that the Saudi hit man is being lined up to replace EXPLOSIVE, ex-Manchester United striker Mark Hughes. City have yet to fire on all cylinders despite being the richest club in the world, and Hughes is COMING UNDER FIRE FROM FANS to produce the goods.

"This could be a good move for City," one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. "Bin Laden has proven experience in working with mixed nationalities, as well as handling big budgets. On top of that, his motivational skills are second to none: under him, the players would die for the shirt.

"Doubters point out that bin Laden has been out of the spotlight for too long, but Joe Kinnear's re-emergence at Newcastle last season appears to have BLOWN THE ARGUMENT APART.

According to the club, wage demands are yet to be discussed, although the City board has expressed a willingness to rename the stadium 'Middle Eastlands' to sweeten the deal. They are also investigating the possibility of holding pre-season training camps in southern Pakistan.

"City supporters are known for their fanaticism," said one excited season ticket holder. "So in that respect, bin Laden would fit in very well."

Bin Laden, who currently lives in a secret cave in Pakistan, is thought to be a keen admirer of ex-City bad boy Joey Barton and would try and make him his first signing.

Blair ‘to bail-out UK’

Tony Blair COULD BE ON THE VERGE OF BUYING BRITAIN, Happy Claptrap can reveal this very instant.The silver-tongued ex-socialist supremo, who has earned millions since leaving No 10, recently announced he had donated a significant sum to the Labour Party. And experts believe it could be the first step of a banking-style bailout as he plots to privatise the party – AND TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY.

The final months of Tony Blair's premiership saw a police investigation into allegations Labour donors had been offered honours in return for cash. But in a spectacular turnaround, it’s believed they may now BE OFFERED THE COUNTRY as Britain teeters on the borders of bankruptcy.

“Things have deteriorated rapidly since Tony left office,’ one unnamed source close to the cabinet told Happy Claptrap. “Britain is broke, Brown is gambling away our financial futures, and we don’t even get biscuits with our tea in cabinet meetings like we used to,” he complained. “Tony feels only one man can rescue the situation.”

Mr Blair's closest political allies from his time at Number 10, including ex-minister David Blunkett, former Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson, and demented spin doctor Alistair Cambell, have all donated cash in the same period, FUELLING RUMOURS that Blair is putting together a dream team to take over the country. And if the move goes ahead, it is thought the electorate may lose the right to vote until the donors receive their investment back.

Mr Blair refused to comment on the matter, but did suggest that Alan Shearer could challenge Jackie Milburn as Newcastle United’s greatest-ever player.

Brown 'claims to be the Messiah’

Gordon Brown had his own Christmas message for the country today as he SENSATIONALLY claimed to have ‘SAVED THE WORLD’ to a disbelieving House of Commons.

But church leaders and the Tory party rejected his boast, accusing the under-fire PM of PLAYING POLITICS with the true meaning of Christmas.

'Brown has gone too far this time,” said one incensed vicar. “Far from taking away sin from the world, he has introduced record amounts of government borrowing. His yoke is set to be extremely heavy for future generations and will keep the tax collector busier than ever. And what’s more, he’s a Presbyterian.'

David Cameron had earlier joined the chorus of disapproval, bellowing that Mr. Brown ‘has sold the nation’s possessions to give to the mega-rich. Far from being a good shepherd, the Prime Minister has proved time after time that he is nothing but a big turkey. What this great nation of ours really wants for Christmas is a change.'

But as the taunts flew thick and fast, the first signs of support began to emerge from banking bigwigs in the City of London.

“As the recession starts to take its toll and the pound hits a new low against the Euro, many feel that Britain needs a miracle,' one unnamed source told Happy Claptrap. 'If we can believe what Brown says, he could be just the man to provide it.”

Recession ‘not such a bad thing’

A top government think tank today branded the recession ‘boring, blown out of proportion and in bad taste,’ Happy Claptrap has been told.

And as the so-called Credit Crisis continues to dominate the headlines, cries to end continual talk of financial woes and ‘focus on the positives’ in the run-up to Christmas are expected.

‘All we seem to hear about these days is collapsing bank this, job cutbacks that, and Joey Barton the other,’ said one expert. ‘No wonder interest rates are at an all time low.’

But with the high street sales in full swing, house prices falling dramatically, and a new lower rate of VAT, there are plenty of great deals to be had in the run up to the holidays.

‘This is a traditional time of good cheer and consumers have never had it so good as far as bargains are concerned,' a second expert told Happy Claptrap. 'In fact if it wasn’t for the press, we wouldn’t even know we were in a so-called recession. So let's focus on the positives and get some of that festive spirit inside us.'

The move comes as the stars of Dragon’s Den come under increasing pressure to put up or shut up, with the mood of a nation threatening to turn against the cruel entrepreneurs.

‘If they’re so good, why are we in the mess we’re allegedly in,’ demanded one angry Labour backbencher in a heated Commons’ debate yesterday.

‘They sit there smirking at decent, hard-working folk, slagging them off and then stealing their ideas. Maybe they should get off their lazy backsides and start doing a bit more themselves,’ said another.

Where as the dragons are happy to breathe fire in the safety of their own London loft apartment, they appear to be more of a collective damp squid when it comes to the British economy.

Special report: Gordon's last gamble

Nestled among the cafes, clubs and erotic review bars at the heart of London's Soho lies a new kind of NHS service. In this special report, Happy Claptrap talks to Gordon, one of the first patients to seek treatment. His surname has been withheld to protect his privacy.

It's 'faites vos jeux' as the first NHS clinic for gambling addicts opens its shiny new doors on the fourth floor of a walk-in centre in Soho. And politicians say it's an initiative that's long overdue.

"This form of clinic could save the country billions of pounds," Gordon, a 50-something addict being helped by Gamblers Anonymous told Happy Claptrap.

For Gordon, the path to irresponsible gambling began when he and his friend Tony moved to London.

“It all started slowly,” he recalls. “A consultant here, a little bit of deregulation there.

“Then came the PFI initiatives, the off-balance sheet borrowing, the enormous IT contracts. We bet that contractors knew what they were doing.” He shakes his head, looking down ruefully at the floor, lost in unhappy memories. “They didn’t.”

Colleagues of Gordon say he became lost in his own solitary hell. “He was unable to communicate, to have relationships, to relax. He was sullen and would even storm out of meetings because of his consuming obsession,” one unnamed source recalled.

‘Gone in a flash’

And then came the credit crunch, and ‘Gone in a flash’, as he was secretly known to his colleagues , took the biggest gamble of all.

"I stole billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money and gambled the lot on one last throw of the dice. Billions of pounds, gone in an instant. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it was.

"It's the illness of want. I wanted it and I wanted it now. Well then. But it was now at the time,” he continued. “Gambling paints a pretty picture like a holiday in the Bahamas, a stylish designer kitchen, or that new car you’ve had your eye on. I believed that I – that everybody - could have all these things. And once I had gambled my way in, I tried to gamble my way out of it again.”

Will Gordon’s last gamble work? Nobody knows. But at last he has stumbled across his first certainty in over a decade: the realisation that he needs help and finally, there’s a little place in Soho where he can find it. Good luck, Gordon.